We all want to seem enlightened, inspired, and uplifting. Or, at least we want to look enlightened, inspired, and uplifting on social media. After extensive research that has made me want to punch about 75 percent of the female population in the ovaries, I have complied a guide for making it look like you’re the Dalai Lama of women.
1. Post Inspirational, Uplifting Blog Links
Be sure to link to a lot of blog posts with titles like “147 Reasons Why You Are Fabulous And Don’t Need A Man Now Or Ever And Don’t Worry, You’re Pretty And Carefree” on your profile. Unfortunately, TSM doesn’t post a lot of those. We tend to focus on more important things like, “What Level of Wine Drunk Are You” or “Shocking Reasons Why We’ll Hook Up With You,” because priorities.
2. Take Selfies And Use The Early Bird Or Toaster Filter
Post at least one selfie per day, but really strive for more. You need to use as many filters as possible, but still hashtag #nofilter. Whatever. Include a Marilyn Monroe quote, or, better yet, a song lyric that describes your current romantic situation. Not only will you seem unique, but the guy whose attention you’re trying to get (don’t even try to deny it) will totally get the hint while looking at your artfully edited cleavage.
3. Discuss Current Event Issues And Your Opinions On Them — A Lot
Everyone loves someone who discusses feminism, religion, politics, and the multiple financial crises. Be sure to get just the bare minimum amount of information needed to ensure that you seem like you know what you’re talking about. Then, post paragraph upon paragraph about your view and why it is the correct one. Don’t let anyone else speak and be sure to engage in lengthy, emotional comment battles to get your “not quite right” point across. Remember that there is only ONE correct view when it comes to these matters, and it’s yours.
4. Take Pictures On A Railroad Track
This is a no-brainer. If you don’t have pictures of yourself being carefree on a railroad track, I’m not entirely sure you exist. Take pictures looking off into the distance. Take pictures jumping. Take pictures laughing and being carefree. Take pictures sitting on the track and looking pensive. Hell, borrow someone’s guitar and pretend to play it. But please, for the love of God, take pictures of yourself on a railroad track, because we haven’t seen enough of them yet.
5. Fitspiration Posts
Why haven’t I seen your before and after photos? Have you been to the gym today? What did you make for dinner? What was your meal prep like? WHAT IS ON YOUR CADIO PLAYLIST? If all of these questions aren’t answered daily on your social media, you are far, far away from being inspirational. And healthy. And #fitfam.
6. Look Off Into The Distance In A Scenic Place
It doesn’t really matter what the setting is. It could be an ocean or a field. You can sit in a tree, on a tire swing, or hell, in a fucking blueberry patch. Just make sure it seems calm, that you are wearing jean shorts and a hat (either of the sun or fedora variety) and that you are not–I repeat, YOU ARE NOT–looking at the camera. After you have the perfect “pensive” picture (or better yet, a picture collage) post a caption that somehow states that “the journey is the destination.”
And remember, as the age-old saying goes, “It didn’t happen unless it happened on social media.” Peace, hippy-wrap headbands, and sunflowers be with you.