When your best friend starts dating someone, it’s easy to feel a little bit left out. The mature thing for you to do would be to take the high road. This includes congratulating her, making an effort to be friendly with him, and generally being happy for the two of them. However, the high road is reserved for the exceptionally mature, and you’ve never been one to act your age. So, what’s the next logical step? Become the third wheel — the one who interrupts the socialization of a couple, whether or not they are invited to do so. It’s a terrible position to find yourself in, but if you utilize the following power moves, I promise you’ll have fun with it.
1. Physically wedge yourself between the two whenever possible.
It’s never a bad idea to remind your friend and her beau to leave room for Jesus, and more importantly, for you. Why should you be forced to watch them canoodle while you miss out on the fun? All that sexual tension is probably bad for your libido, so slide yourself in between the happy couple and completely kill the mood whenever you get a chance.
2. Propose a threesome.
You don’t have to be serious about the idea. In fact, it’s probably best if you just pretend to be into it, and then “chicken out” at the last minute. The idea of a love session with the two of you has probably crossed his mind before, and it never hurts to completely crush his spirits and induce a terrible case of blue balls. Well, it never hurts you, at least.
3. When they laugh over an inside joke, pretend to be a part of it.
Don’t wait for one of them to try to explain it to you, because you probably had to be there and it most likely wasn’t that funny anyway. Just laugh along like a crazy person. If they look at you weirdly and things get awkward, just accuse them of being haters and move on with your life. Make a mental note to invade their couple time more often, so as to be legitimately included in the laughs.
4. Constantly remind him that you know intimate details about his genitals.
Obviously your friend has divulged the entire contents of his pants and every detail of their sex life, and this information will come in handy when he starts to get too comfortable. You’ve got to remind him who’s boss. This can be achieved by gently (and repeatedly) letting him know just exactly how much dirt you’ve got on him. It may seem drastic, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
5. #MCM your friend’s boyfriend more often than she does.
Whether or not he likes it, you are as much a part of this relationship as he is, if not more so. I mean, his girlfriend is practically your sister. You’ve seen her at her best and you’ve been there to hold her hair and wipe the vomit from her face at her worst. You know everything about her life, and you’ve probably drunkenly made out at some point. You’re basically her girlfriend, minus the whole sex part.
6. Generally be an asshole to him by criticizing everything he does.
He has no choice but to like you (or at least tolerate you), so you won’t be held accountable for your actions. Make fun of him for every aspect of his life, and constantly twist his words and mess with his head. When he gets rightfully upset, remind him that it’s all done out of love before telling him to quit being a whiney little bitch..