6 Need-To-Know Stalking Tips From A Psycho Ex-Girlfriend

Stalking Tips

You know what they say. “It’s only love at first sight if you never, ever, ever let him out of your sight again.” Or something like that.

Know Everything About His Ex, Then Deny It
For all intents and purposes, you have no idea that he has an ex-girlfriend. You never speak of her until he brings her up, and when that happens you act oh-so casual. “You have an ex-girlfriend? LOL, that’s so cool! I had no idea!” But in reality, you stalk that bitch and you stalk her hard. Just because they broke up, does NOT mean that she’s unlatched her devil-like claws from her grasp on him. Instagram? You check that shit all the way back to the start. Same goes for Twitter. If she still has pictures of the two of them together or sub-tweets about him, you need to immediately steal his phone, block her from all of his accounts, and send her a strongly worded text (from his phone) saying that she’s ugly and he hates her. Or just kill her. It’s honestly whichever one sits better on your soul.

Yes, It’s Important To Know What He Was Doing In 2007
Went bowling with his high school girlfriend? Gag. Called her “baby” in the caption of his “sUmMeR 2009” album? Fuck that. Told his prom date that she was “the one?” Not on your watch. Not only do you need to stalk back to the start of his social media to see what kind of person he is, but to see if he’s repeated any dates, nicknames, or selfie angles. As soon as you realize that he has (to all of them) you have a right to pout, act passive aggressive, and make him feel like shit for calling you AND his 2008 girlfriend “baby doll.”

And WHO He was Doing It With
After you’ve gathered information concerning all of his past activities, you need information concerning his past placement holders. How he treated them, if he was all about that social media PDA, and if his most recent ex is hotter than you are, all urgent pieces of info. If any of the above is correct, you get to pull the “WTF is this” card. Find him when he’s watching an important game, start sobbing, and demand he delete all of this shit from his Facebook because it hurts the love language between the two of you.

Control His Phone, Control His Life
His phone isn’t really his phone. Sure, he thinks it’s his phone, but as soon as he leaves it unattended, it becomes your phone. Use the time you have with it wisely. Reading his texts? Amateur. Checking his emails? Elementary. Take those precious moments you have with his cell to change girls’ phone numbers, unfollow his ex on Instagram, and forward all of his future emails to yourself.

Make Sure His Snapchat Is Lame AF
No, he doesn’t get to have girls who are best friends. As soon as you see a girl creeping up to his “BFF” list, you immediately send her a snap of your face. Followed by your middle finger. And then, to wrap things up, a picture of her being blocked from his accounts. Sure it seems crazy, but what’s crazier is that some bitch thinks she can Snapchat your boyfriend.

Don’t Just Stalk Online
Sure, he documents 98 percent of his life online, but what about that other two percent? What’s he doing then? I’ll tell you what he’s doing – possibly cheating on you with his disturbingly hot “friend” from his marketing class. No matter how many times you look through his phone and text him “who are you with” he’s not going to tell you the truth. The only way to make sure he stays on his best behavior is to follow him at all times. Buy a second “just for stalking” car. Invest in a wig. Get some super cute camouflage and hide out in the bushes while he’s in a study group. Whatever you do, never let him out of your sight.

Use these tips wisely and remember: it’s not creepy if it’s out of love.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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