The year was 2003. I was at the peak of my chubby kid stage, and I wore a denim skort from Limited Too almost every day. When I wasn’t taking my Razor scooter out for a spin, I was binge-watching the Disney Channel for hours, and way before TV bingeing was cool. Naturally, I was the first person in line at the premiere of The Lizzie McGuire Movie. Little did I know that the high expectations I would gain from Lizzie would set me up for heartbreak in the years to come.
1. Field Trips
Lizzie and all her friends got to go to Italy for their junior high graduation. My naïve third grade self thought this was common practice. News flash: It’s not. Unless I count when my basketball team was bussed to the ghetto to get our asses handed to us, I went on zero field trips in junior high. I was still holding on to the hope that maybe high school would be different. It wasn’t. Our class went on a grand total of one field trip. To the fucking zoo. Two football players jumped into the flamingo enclosure and tried to steal one. My school is no longer welcome at the zoo.
Lizzie had them. Kate had them. Mine were nowhere to be found during junior high. In all honesty, my girls didn’t make a real appearance until college.
Paolo and Lizzie met when he approached her on the street. Guess what? Celebrities don’t do this. They aren’t running around coming up to us commoners. You might be thinking, “Lizzie was really cute,” but let’s be honest with ourselves. I love Hilary Duff as much as the next girl, but she wasn’t exactly a ten when she was thirteen. Of course, I can’t ignore the obvious fact that Paolo was only trying to use Lizzie (the single truth I learned from the movie). Point taken, but wouldn’t you rather Zac Efron use you than never acknowledge you at all?
The scene where Lizzie rides off on the back of Paolo’s moped is iconic, but it gave me unrealistic expectations about what hair looks like in helmets. Lizzie just throws the helmet right on and her hair still looks fantastic. This isn’t the case in real life. Trust me. I have seen several photos of me wearing my bike helmet. I looked fugly.
When she first arrives in Rome, Lizzie throws a coin into a fountain and makes a wish. Almost instantly, an Italian pop star approaches her. I, on the other hand, have thrown close to twenty dollars in change into fountains over the years, and none of my wishes have come true. Maybe the ancient fountain in Rome has mystical powers that the fountain in the mall food court doesn’t have, but they should have made some kind of disclaimer about that.
6. First Kisses
At the end of her incredible Italy trip, Lizzie finally realizes that Gordo is the one for her. They kissed and thousands of girls all over the world swooned. I have a problem with it. That was for sure Gordo’s first kiss, and it wasn’t awkward at all. When I had my first kiss in a hot tub in eighth grade, it was a mess. I didn’t know what to do with my hands, and I’m decently sure he licked my face. It was so not what Lizzie had prepared me for.
Despite all the disappointment, though, Lizzie still got me through life, and I can’t be that mad at her for it..