PMS is the worst. It’s the most emotional time of the month for any girl, and not just because you know that soon you’re going to have to abstain from sex for five days and put up with your boyfriend begging for BJs. The only redeeming grace is that you have a semi-legitimate excuse to yell at everyone and demand that people be nice to you, no matter how much of a dick you’re being to them. This hardly makes up for the rounds of emotional instability, but these 6 tips might just help you survive your next round of PMS.
- Eat Whole Foods.
- Do Yoga.
- Drink More Water.
- Drink Less Coffee.
- Confide In Your Doctor.
- Try alternative therapies.
And I mean “whole” as a unit of measurement. Examples include a whole pizza, a whole sub, a whole can of Pringles, and a whole row of Oreos. These foods will serve to fill that gaping hole in your life, that you didn’t realize was there until this very moment. They will also give reason behind your bulging food baby. I mean, you’re going to bloat either way, so you might as well get something out of the process, right?
But focus on one position: Child’s pose. That’s the one where you lay down on your thighs like a snail and
stretch your back muscles swiftly fall asleep. By doing this, you not only put one of your thirty pairs of yoga pants to use, but you can also tell your friends that you spent three hours exercising. You’re the only know who will know that this is basically code for napping.
With a few shots of vodka and a lime, that is. Drinking will help you ignore your cramps, and also that bitch Jessica who keeps showing up and talking shit on you while you’re totally within earshot. Another plus is that when you’re drunk, you feel more obliged to talk about all of the terrible things that are happening in your life at the moment. Think of binge drinking as a prompt for your inevitable emotional release.
Caffeine increases anxiety, and studies suggest that the more coffee you drink, the worse your PMS symptoms could be. Do yourself a favor and indulge in Starbucks frozen drinks instead of your normal, every day cup of joe. Those drinks don’t actually have a lot of coffee in them, despite the fact that they’re disguised as a caffeinated drink. No, they’re basically just packed with chocolate and way too much whipped cream. I realize that this sounds like dangerous territory, but everyone knows that calories don’t count when you’re on your period.
By doctor, I mean life coach, and by life coach, I mean best friend. Tell that bitch every last thought running through your head, and don’t skip on any details. You need to get all of your irrational, illogical concerns and anxieties out of your head and onto the table. Obviously you’re feeling more emotional than usual, and the only way you can keep your sanity is by crying over your one-night stand from three years ago while your best friend wraps you in a blanket and assures you that he totally, definitely meant to call.
And I don’t mean acupuncture or exercise. Try new, stress relieving activities such as booty calling your ex FWB only to spend three hours explaining to him why you two would never have made it as a legitimate couple, or texting your mother a list of reasons you will probably end up living in a one-bedroom apartment, surrounded by upwards of fifty parakeets. Anything that helps you forget about your mind-numbing cramps and mood swings. .
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