59 Reasons Why Girls Are The Absolute Worst

Girls Are The Worst

  1. They have super-long mermaid hair that you could literally never achieve.
  2. Even though you’ve spent an embarrassing amount of money on biotin and Mane and Tail.
  3. Somehow, your hair still lacks that show horse shine.
  4. Some of them have the audacity to actually look cute with short hair.
  5. The one time you tried a pixie cut, you looked like a German boy.
  6. Okay, you’ve never actually tried a pixie cut, but you’re pretty sure it would make you look like a German boy.
  7. They crop you out of their profile pictures.
  8. Or they use a picture where they look hot and you look like a charity case as their default.
  9. Their have a strong eyebrow game.
  10. There’s also the fact that they even call it an “eyebrow game.”
  11. You’re putting paint on your facial hair. How do you win?
  12. They look cool in blazers, whereas you look like you’re from the ‘80s.
  13. One of those bitches took your boyfriend’s virginity back in the day and you’re still not over it.
  14. They manage to find really cute vintage-y things in the chaotic hell hole that is Forever 21.
  15. Every time you go in there, you just grab a tank top and consider popping a Xanny to deal with the lack of organization.
  16. It’s like they buy Instagram followers or something.
  17. Sure, some of them are pretty, but not 3,000 followers pretty.
  18. They look at you like you’re literally committing murder if you decide to order pizza instead of a dry salad with croutons on the side.
  19. Like, sorry you felt like clogging your arteries today?
  20. They made Frozen a thing.
  21. And they still haven’t “Let It Go.”
  22. They added your boyfriend on Snapchat.
  23. And then they snapped your boyfriend on Snapchat.
  24. Why is it so important for them to send a secret picture message, huh?
  25. Is it of test answers? Recipes? Genitals? Reveal yourself, bitch.
  26. They ask to borrow a hair tie, and you just know that you’ll never, ever get it back.
  27. They post selfies at the gym.
  28. And in the car. And in bed. And in the bathtub.
  29. And then they put an inspirational quote underneath the selfie that has literally nothing to do with the picture: “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched — they must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Keller
  30. It’s like, okay, but what does that have to do with this picture of you shotgunning a beer?
  31. They have big boobs.
  32. Your boyfriend notices that they have big boobs.
  33. LOL at ever using the bathroom if you live with other girls.
  34. And when you finally get in there, you choke on steam, notice long hairs covering everything, and see makeup-covered Q-tips everywhere.
  35. They have a way cuter iPhone case than you.
  36. They went along with the idea that we should wear heels, give blow jobs, and accept lower salaries, and now we’re kind of stuck with that.
  37. They say that they “like giving blow jobs.”
  38. No. You don’t. Stop lying and making the rest of us look bad.
  39. They’re skinnier than you.
  40. But not bad skinny. Like, fit skinny. Hot skinny.
  41. Sure, you could be hot skinny, too — but going to the gym sounds like actual hell.
  42. Besides, other girls have cute workout clothes and they exercise in just sports bras.
  43. You would have to be paid to exercise in just a sports bra.
  44. Don’t ever make eye contact with their boyfriends. Ever.
  45. They better not make eye contact with your boyfriend, either. Well, unless they want to get messed the fuck up.
  46. And by that, I mean talked about in a group message with friends.
  47. They somehow manage to make oversized sweaters look sexy.
  48. When you wear an oversized sweater, you manage to look like a beluga whale.
  49. They know how to actually dance, as opposed to the awkward hip circles that you excel at.
  50. And they don’t resort to fist pumping when they run out of moves.
  51. They hate the other woman instead of the douchebag guy who broke both of their hearts.
  52. They pretend to be unintelligent to get attention. It’s like, you’re not cute, you’re just an idiot.
  53. They complain about their periods. Even though, surprise! It comes every month.
  54. And they use the word “period,” which is the most cringe-inducing word in the English language.
  55. They put on lipstick and lipliner and it makes you just want to give up on life.
  56. They quote Mean Girls, Bridesmaids, and Legally Blonde all the time.
  57. Actually, JK. We love that. Because seriously, the limit does not exist with those.
  58. They read lists about why girls suck instead of just not sucking in the first place.
  59. But, whatever. It’s much more fun to complain about it than fix it. #America

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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