57 Things Every Girl Wonders After Getting Dumped

Not with stupid

  1. Am I not pretty enough for him?
  2. No. I’m totally pretty enough for him.
  3. I wonder if he’s already hooking up with someone else.
  4. Shit. What if she’s pretty?
  5. God, she’s probably pretty. Fuck.
  6. But all my friends think he’s ugly so maybe she won’t be pretty.
  7. And my friends are pretty and they don’t think he’s cute so maybe only ugly girls will like him.
  8. Yeah. Totally. He can probably only get ugly, basic bitches.
  9. Wait does that make me an ugly, basic bitch?
  10. No. No. I was just the exception.
  11. And honestly, it was more charity than anything else.
  12. It doesn’t even matter though because a random girl can’t compare to me on an emotional level.
  13. I should check his social media. Just in case.
  14. Twitter? Nothing. Just sports shit.
  15. Cool! No one else cares that football season is over, Brad.
  16. Instagram looks fine. Just some pictures with his dumb friends at that piece of shit bar they always go to.
  17. Still single on Facebook.
  18. He’s just scared of commitment. That has to be it!
  19. He’s just really immature and I’m too mature. We’re just on different pages. In different universes, even.
  20. I’m in the universe where people are happy, and he’s in the one where people rip out each other’s hearts after telling them they love them.
  21. He’s just not ready for the kind of serious relationship I need right now.
  22. You know. One where he texts me back and doesn’t forget my birthday.
  23. Ugh, he’s my best friend. What am I supposed to do?
  24. Call my actual best friend and beg her to forgive the months I totally went off the grid?
  25. Fuuuuck.
  26. I’m going to start working out, that way he’ll see me and think he messed up.
  27. But then again, I probably won’t work out actually because all I want is some Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked.
  28. And to get half-baked, if you know what I mean.
  29. You know what? Fuck him, I’m a catch. I’m a total catch.
  30. His loss.
  31. *Sobs*
  32. *More sobbing*
  33. God, you know what? I should have dumped him.
  34. He’s the one who messed up. All my friends told me to dump him.
  35. He’s not even that good in bed.
  37. *drinks wine and plays Adele*
  38. “Never mind I’ll find” *sob* “someone like youuuuuu.”
  39. “I WISH NOTHING BUT THE” *sob sob sob* “BEST FOR YOUUUUU.”
  40. Except I low key hopes he gets herpes and dies alone.
  42. I know everything about him.
  44. Like the way he would always tear up during basketball games, or that he always sort of wanted me to put a finger up his ass.
  45. He’ll miss that. He’ll miss me.
  46. He’ll miss having someone to be that close to because even if he wants his friends to think he’s tough, he’s emotional and he needs me.
  47. He’ll come back, I just need to act like this doesn’t phase me.
  48. You know. Because it totally doesn’t.
  49. I need to block him on everything and cut him off.
  50. That way he’ll realize just how much he misses me.
  51. And then I’ll get really hot and be totally casual and we’ll run into each other and he’ll be like “shit.”
  52. He’ll have no idea what hit him.
  53. My friends are so right. I’ll go out this weekend and he’ll see me having a great time and he’ll wonder how I’m so okay without him and it’ll kill him on the inside.
  54. I’m just going to excel at everything and he’ll wonder what he was thinking.
  55. I didn’t even get dumped.
  56. Like, I technically did right now but he’ll come back and if we break up again, I’ll dump him.
  57. Maybe. Unless we get married first. Whatever.

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