56 Things You Wish You Could Ask Your Ex Without Sounding Crazy


  1. Do you ever think about me?
  2. No, not sexually just like, in general?
  3. Okay. Yes. Sexually.
  4. Did you hook up with your ex when we broke up?
  5. And yes. You know which ex I’m taking about.
  6. Do still you remember my birthday?
  7. Actually did you ever remember my birthday?
  8. What about our anniversary?
  9. Would it be weird if I texted you?
  10. As friends. Just as friends.
  11. A friend who accidentally drunk texts you seventeen times when you don’t answer and then deletes the evidence so sober me doesn’t have to deal with it.
  12. You know. Casual friend stuff.
  13. Who. the fuck. Is that girl in your Snapchat story?
  14. She’s just a friend, right? Because she looks like a whore.
  15. I don’t mean that sarcastically. She actually looks like a literal whore.
  16. How come you liked my Instagram selfie last week?
  17. Does that mean you regret dumping me and you want to get back together because you realize I’m a total catch and your life is shitty without me or…?
  18. What should we do if we see each other? Do we hug? Do ignore each other? Do we start making out and live happily-ever-after?
  19. No, I wasn’t subtweeting you yesterday.
  20. Why, did you notice?
  21. Do you ever think about me when our song comes on?
  22. Yeah. Me neither.
  23. “Cause alllllll of me, loves allllll of you” *sob sob sob.*
  24. Can you make your Instagram public already?
  25. Seriously. What are you hiding?
  26. Do you know that I’m still using your little brother’s best friend’s roommate’s Netflix?
  27. What did you do with those…pictures I sent you?
  28. You deleted them right? You had to. Right? RIGHT?
  29. Would you be pissed if I hooked up with one of your friends?
  30. Not that I have.
  31. But I totally could. Just saying.
  32. Have you moved on already?
  33. Actually. Don’t answer that.
  34. Wait. No. Have you?
  35. Did you cry when we broke up?
  36. I’m not judging you. But like, maybe a tear or twenty?
  37. What did you do with those “toys” I left at your apartment?
  38. You know I don’t give you permission to use those with other people, right?
  39. Why did we break up?
  40. Besides me saying that you never text me back and you drunkenly making out with my pledge sister.
  41. Do you miss me?
  42. Not in a “let’s get married and run away together right now” way.
  43. In a you were one of my best friends and I miss having lazy sex and eating pizza in bed with you” way.
  44. Did you ever try to get with one of my friends?
  45. Have you gotten with one of my friends?
  46. Did you keep all of the presents I gave you? Even though I told you to throw them away like you threw my heart away…
  47. Do you still love me?
  48. JK. Sort of.
  49. Can we get a map and label our territories so we don’t cross paths?
  50. I’ll take all of the places with hot girls and sexually-crazed freshmen, and you can have like, the bathrooms.
  51. And Sports Authority.
  52. And wherever else ugly people go to hang out.
  53. Do you want to get back together?
  54. No like, me neither.
  55. But would you still hook up with me?
  56. Yeah. Same. Text me.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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