The morning after tequila.
Thinking about tequila in general.
Unexpectedly seeing your ex when you look like shit.
Seeing your ex, and it was totally expected. But still.
You stalked yourself back to 2007.
And you were actually skinny and tan in 2007.
You can’t find the remote and a Sarah fucking McLachlan commercial is on.
“In the arms (sob) of an angel (sob) fly awayyyy from here (sob sob sob).
You’re on your period.
You’re on your period and you only have healthy food in your house.
You’re not on your period even though you’re supposed to be.
And so, naturally, you’re 100 percent sure that you’re with child.
AND YOU’RE JUST NOT READY FOR A LOOSE VAGINA, OKAY?
Your ex-boyfriend changed his Netflix password.
All of these graduation pictures make you feel really sad, even though you hate most of the girls leaving.
That one Adele song came on and instantly made you think of your high school boyfriend.
Who cheated on you with that slutty choir girl.
You just finished your show, and life is no longer worth living.
He hasn’t texted you back.
He texted you back and just said “K.”
And what you said required more than a “K” response.
You have one new email, and it’s from standards.
They gave you a calorie-filled mess instead of a skinny latte and you really don’t know what to do right now.
Someone posted a video of veterans returning home and you watched it without thinking.
And then you watched the videos of veterans returning home to their dogs.
And then you watched handicapped dog videos.
And then you watched proposals using handicapped dogs.
And now you want to die because you’re not a veteran, and you’re not getting married, and you haven’t rescued a handicapped dog and GOD why do you suck so much?
You forgot your Chipotle leftovers at Chipotle.
The fact that Ryan Gosling And Rachel McAdams couldn’t make it work.
You dropped your phone, and you’re too scared to pick it up because honestly? This could be it.
And you didn’t treat it right and it wasn’t its fault and it didn’t deserve this.
You gave up carbs.
You gave up carbs and you already ruined that by eating Taco Bell.
Your parents expect you to adhere to a curfew this summer.
And you kind of feel like you’re an inmate already.
That Budweiser commercial with the puppy, the horse, and the hot guy.
Titanic was on. And you’ll just never let go. You have a ton of split ends, even though you just got a $200 haircut.
Fuck you, baby-thin hair. Fuck you.
Someone got engaged and now you’re 100 percent sure that you’re going to die alone.
You wore flats instead of heels and you look fugly next to everyone.
Your favorite shirt has a makeup stain on it.
And you literally have nothing to wear. At all.
Chuck Bass will never be yours.
Neither will anyone who looks or acts remotely like Chuck Bass.
The cooler you spent weeks painting for your date’s formal is already ruined.
As is your hope for humanity.
The bar only serves beer, and you really, really wanted to get drunk tonight.
And honestly? You just have a lot of feelings.
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