53 Thoughts You Have While Hating Your Life On A Cleanse

53 Thoughts You Have While Hating Your Life On A Cleanse

  1. I’m going to be so fucking skinny at the end of these five days.
  2. Beyoncé lost like…25 pounds doing this for Dreamgirls and I only want to lose seven so.
  3. Can you have wine on a cleanse?
  4. What if it’s a spritzer?
  5. ….So like absolutely no to wine?
  6. Whatever, it’s barely a week. I can do it.
  7. Oh these bottle are so cute! I can’t wait to Instagram them!
  8. What the fuck is spirolina?
  9. I thought Dr. Oz said if I don’t know what it is I shouldn’t eat it.
  10. Are veggies part of that logic?
  11. It’s fine, Evolution Fresh would never steer me wrong.
  12. Weird! I don’t totally hate veggie juice!
  13. Take that, bitch at the juice bar who looked at me like I was out of my mind for thinking I could do this!
  14. Oh strike that. Beets taste like dirt…
  15. What would happen if I skipped this beet one and just drank the lemonade for the rest of the week? That’s too much sugar, right? Would I get diabetes?
  16. Ugh I want food. It’s too hard to sleep when you’re hungry.
  17. If I dream about pizza tonight I’m going to be so pissed.
  18. Or tacos.
  19. Or pesto.
  20. Or ice cream.
  21. Daaaaammmiiiitttttt. I just want solid food.
  22. I have never been more tired in my entire life.
  23. Is being too tired because of your juice cleanse an acceptable reason to call in sick?
  24. Maybe not but it is an acceptable excuse to no apologize to that asshole I just bumped into on the train.
  25. Yeah, dude with a backpack who isn’t watching where it goes in his radius. You suck.
  26. Am I going to bruise faster because I’m not eating real food?
  27. Probably. Fuck you backpack dude.
  28. I cannot focus. All I can think about is how sick of green things I am.
  29. I can’t believe I have three more days of this crap.
  30. This is why actresses don’t smile on the red carpet. It isn’t to look sultry or artistic. They’re fucking apathetic, and hungry, and pissed off from not chewing.
  31. Coconut water is the worst water.
  32. Seriously my water has pulp. This is bullshit.
  33. Oh my god I forgot it was free lunch day.
  34. Noooooooooooooooooooooo!
  35. Oh my God. They got burritos.
  36. I think I’m going to cry.
  37. This is actual torture.
  38. Yeah I’m going home, I can’t look at those burritos without breaking down.
  40. The fridge is right there…nobody would have to know…
  41. No. Stop it. Think about your abs, girl.
  42. I hope I dream about pizza tonight because it’s the closet I’m getting to that cheesy goodness.
  43. Wait…I actually feel like…alert today.
  44. Is this how Wolverine feels?
  45. Holy shit. Did my vision improve?
  47. I could totally do this for another week.
  48. One more day? PSH. Easy, breezy, beautiful.
  49. See me toss that bottle into a basket with nothing but net? SWISH MOTHAFUCKA.
  50. I don’t need food! I’m invincible!
  51. Bring it on juice cleanse – I can do this forever!
  52. Is that guac?
  53. Oh hell yeah. I’m never giving this up again.

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Kendra Syrdal

The closest Kendra ever went to going Greek was always hitting up Pita Pit on her way home from the bars. But she thanks the sisterhood of DG for always letting her crash taco night and helping her find her way out of that frat party where a guy got stabbed with a samurai sword. Contact her at for sex toy suggestions and general sass.

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