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53 Struggles Every Awkward Person Will Relate To

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  1. Being genuinely proud of yourself when you give a great high-five.
  2. Because you know and have experienced all 27 ways a high-five can go wrong.
  3. Walking, tripping–what’s the difference?
  4. Tackling a random person because you thought she was your roommate.
  5. You’ve walked into a closed screen or glass door. Possibly more than once.
  6. Small talk is your personal hell.
  7. And public transportation.
  8. And elevators.
  9. You don’t know where the line between “courtesy” and “serial killer” is when it comes to eye contact.
  10. You’ve spent hours planning out conversations in your head, thinking of every way they could go.
  11. …only to have the conversation go in a completely different direction and still hit awkward lulls and silences.
  12. Yeah, you’ve had guac on the side of your face for about four hours now. Good thing you just got back from the mall and ran into your crush while you were there.
  13. You’ve mastered the art of pretending to text in public so you don’t look so pathetic.
  14. What’s flirting?
  15. Server: “Enjoy your meal!”
    You: “Thanks, you too!”
  16. If attention is on you, you will, without fail, do something embarrassing whether you mean to or not.
  17. Pictures just exemplify your awkwardness. It is literally impossible for you to take a nice picture.
  18. Hiding under a table in Panera to avoid your professor seems like a completely rational method of avoiding small talk.
  19. The person you’re holding the door for is farther back than you expected, but now it would be rude to not keep holding the door.
  20. Overthinking sounds like the perfect amount of thinking, thank you very much.
  21. The scariest phrase in the English language is “Everyone pick a partner.”
  22. Asking a salesperson how he or she is and having this person proceed to tell you his or her life story.
  23. You tried to look seductive once.
  24. The guy asked if you were farting.
  25. Hence “once.”
  26. It must be nice to know when to stop talking.
  27. You’ve used the line “and then I found $10,” because you realized halfway through the story that you absolutely suck at telling stories.
  28. Also, “I guess you had to be there” is a good go-to.
  29. You have no clue how to accept a compliment.
  30. Do you compliment the person back? Say thank you? Ignore him or her? Shout random words? Laugh?
  31. You have no control of your facial expressions, and they make other people feel uncomfortable.
  32. Using a phone for an actual phone call.
  33. Having your friends write texts because you never know what to say.
  34. How do normal people eat in public?
  35. Also, what do they do with their arms when they’re talking?
  36. Relative: “How old are you now?”
    You: “I’m fine, thanks!”
  37. You constantly make jokes and references that no one understands.
  38. So you are well aware nothing kills a joke like explaining it.
  39. You: “He’s not an eggplant, he’s retarded.”
    Girl: “My cousin has Down syndrome.”
    You: “Oh.”
  40. Whatever. You know you’re hilarious and you laugh at your own jokes before you realize no one else is.
  41. You: “How are you?”
    Friend: “I’m good, you?”
    You: “I’m doing well, you?”
  42. You laughed when a guy did that “flirting” thing with you.
  43. Because you didn’t know how to respond to someone doing that–or how to even recognize he was doing it.
  44. Going in for a hug when the other person went for a handshake.
  45. That’s almost as bad as the “Do you go left? I’ll go left–oh, you stepped to my left. I’ll go ri–OH MY GOD WHERE ARE YOU GOING” dance that happens way more often than it should.
  46. You were under the assumption that everyone wears costumes to work for Halloween. You ended up as the only one in costume.
  47. And you went all out–without bringing a change of clothes.
  48. You’re either uncomfortably early or incredibly late for everything.
  49. When a friend is upset about something, you have no idea what to do or how to react, but it’s never appropriate.
  50. Like, can’t-stop-rambling bad, or making-jokes-at-the-wake bad.
  51. You hate your haircut, but you don’t know how to tell the stylist (or deal with conflict in general) so you tell him or her you love it.
  52. If your friend didn’t want you to black out, he or she should not have brought you to that party knowing you knew nobody there, and leaving you all alone for 20 minutes.
  53. Awkwardness doesn’t even register in your mind, because your entire life is one long awkward moment.

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Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. and Post Grad Problems. A born and raised Maryland girl, she's obsessed with the Baltimore Ravens, Old Bay, and anything that has the Maryland flag pattern on it. She's a newly retired student-athlete and sorority girl, but not quite ready to call herself an adult, especially since she still has to be carried out of bars. With a Long Island in hand, she's ready for whatever life is throwing her way. Maybe.

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