52 Thoughts Going Through Your Head During A One-Night Stand

One-Night Stand

  1. Target acquired. Twelve o’clock. He’s cute.
  2. Is he smiling at me? Quick look away.
  3. Why the fuck would I look away? Shit, he’s coming over. Stay calm and look pretty.
  4. I need another drink. Focus on the bartender who hasn’t looked at you in seven minutes. Pretend you don’t notice him.
  5. Moment of truth. I can feel his presence.
  6. Did he just grab my ass? Bold move before we’ve said our hellos.
  7. And I approve. It’s on.
  8. All the self-torture I put myself through tonight — the heels, the makeup, the burn on my neck from my curling iron — it’ll all be worth it.
  9. God his hand is huge.
  10. I wonder if that means he’ll have a huge dick. Is it big hands or big feet that tell you if the guy is well endowed?
  11. Eh, who cares?
  12. Okay, good sir, speaking of that huge hand, keep it where I can see it, and more importantly, where my ex can see it. Which is on the small of my back and my ass, not my lady parts. I’m not a porn star.
  13. That does feel nice, though. No, wait ’til we’re in the bedroom. Still not a porn star.
  14. Why are you grabbing my hand?
  15. We’re leaving now?? It’s only midnight! I haven’t even done shots with my little yet!
  16. Who am I kidding? I’m getting laid tonight, I don’t need shots.
  17. Or do I maybe need more shots for that reason?
  18. Okay, one more shot, and then we can leave.
  19. My apartment? Okay, that’s fine. At least I know it’s clean.
  20. I’ll just change the sheets tomorrow. They really needed to be changed anyway. And I just got that new cute set.
  21. Stop, focus.
  22. Wow, you walk fast. Why do guys always walk so fast? I barely run at the gym, I don’t appreciate having to do it in heels.
  23. Where’s my key?
  24. Oh right, my bra. I need to bring a purse next time.
  25. Neck kissing. That’s a good sign.
  26. Keep this up and it’s going to be a good night.
  27. God, I am a sex goddess. A one-night stand sex goddess.
  28. This does NOT make me a slut.
  29. It’s only one time. That’s why it’s called a one night stand, duh.
  30. Come on, dude. It’s a bra, not a Rubik’s cube. Act like you’ve been here before.
  31. Just twoooo little hooks.
  32. There you go. Gold star for you.
  33. Oh, heading downtown so soon? I don’t object. But I’m not returning the favor.
  34. Oh…oh my god that’s nice.
  35. Oh, uh, hold on.
  36. Ow, that actually kind of hurts.
  37. Omg what is your tongue made of, sand paper?! What the fuck, dude?
  38. Stop, please stop. Just get the condom.
  39. Yes, now, put it on for the love of God.
  40. Okay better.
  41. Yes, yes, OMG.
  42. Keep going. OMG. Keep going. I can almost, maybe, potentially see an orgasm somewhere on the horizon. Keep going.
  43. What part of “Keep going” meant “stop” to you. Why did you stop?
  44. You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s it?
  45. Don’t you dare fall asleep on me.
  46. Great, you snore too.
  47. Now what?
  48. I wonder if he’d notice if I left.
  49. Maybe I can just…
  50. Nope.
  51. Fuck.
  52. At least I’ll get a good story and a t-shirt out of this.

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WineFirst likes her wine white, chilled, and alone, although she's been known to share on rare occasions. In an attempt to not grow up, she procrastinates all things adult, such as not paying off her credit card bill and watching re-runs of Sex and the City. If you have any funny stories or new leads (or videos of kids falling down) e-mail her at:

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