Objectively speaking, being healthy is the wooooooorst. It’s the very antithesis of everything that I’d rather be doing: eating takeout, watching TV, and sitting very, very still. And for awhile there it seemed like I was one of those genetically blessed humans who would get to live out this dream life of laziness and pure hedonism. But then something horrible happened: I kept getting older. And as I kept getting older I also kept getting tagged in photos that cruelly and clearly revealed what was obvious to everyone but me: that I was not one of the genetically blessed anymore. I had slowly but surely packed on the pounds, as evidenced by my flabby and untoned everything. Grandma arms had become my reality.
So I did what anyone would do: drowned my sorrows in Mexican food one last time and then began to formulate a plan. I could go paleo, I thought. Maybe do a fast to jump-start my transition into a Goop state of being. Low-cal, gluten-free, lactose-free veganism. All of which sounded worse than just learning to live with my extra fifteen pounds of obliviousness. So instead what I did was decided to be sane and start making so permanent life changes that have resulted in a semi-decent bod. It’s almost like making mature, balanced decisions benefits you in the long run? Who would’ve thought. Anyway, below are some ways to be healthier/drop some pounds without wanting to die/stab your own eye with melba toast.
1. Drink Some Water
Water, while also being the very substance responsible for all life on Earth, is a pretty good short-cut to all-around healthiness. If you start drinking water instead of say, Diet Coke (how did I know?!), you’ll begin to notice that you feel a lot better and will probably lose a couple pounds, too. By just drinking water and not touching soda, juice, or whatever the fuck 15-flavor seasonal offering Starbucks has, you’ll be around 50% healthier already. Sure, you’ll be one of those annoying people who always has a water bottle on their person, but your skin will glow now that you aren’t hydrating with high-fructose corn syrup. Important note: Don’t give up coffee. I don’t care what anybody tells you. Never give up the coffee.
2. Ditch Non-Fat Stuff
Sure, non-fat seems like a good idea. After, all if there’s no fat in something then fat can’t possibly deposit on you! You’ll be thin forever! Except that when you take fat out of stuff, it actually makes it taste really bad. So, to make it taste good again, manufacturers just load it up with a metric fuck-ton of sugar, and sadly, sugar is infinitely worse for you than fat. It traps you in a sugar-high cycle that actually makes you eat more when you end up crashing. If you had just eaten the non-non-fat thing you’d just have ended up satiated and not needed to overeat. So, do yourself a favor and stop ordering lattes with skim milk. Mostly because skim milk is fucking disgusting. It’s blue, you guys. Basically just blue water. Nasty.
3. Your Diet Probably Shouldn’t Be 90% Carbs
Carbs are the best. And after a night of drinking there is nothing more amazing than getting the call from the pizza delivery guy that your order has arrived. Nothing tastes more delicious. Hell, I think there’s an argument to be made that sandwiches are the backbone of every human civilization. But, you should probably eat less of them. Now, I’m not saying cut out carbs, because that is insane. Just only eat them maybe once a day instead of, like, consistently throughout the day, all day, for the entire week.
4. Eat When You’re Hungry And Stop Before You Actually Get Full
I hate breakfast, so I don’t eat it. This seems to ruffles people’s feathers for whatever reason. But I’m not usually hungry in the morning and forcing myself to eat makes me nauseous. Since I cut out breakfast I feel a lot better and my jeans button with ease. On the-flip side of this coin, I’ve begun to stop eating when I’m no longer hungry. I’m not forcing myself to eat every last scrap on the plate until I feel like my stomach is going to burst. I think this is called “listening to your body” and it sounds like bullshit but actually works!
5. Don’t Be A Psycho At The Gym, But Still Just Go
The gym is horrible. If you don’t have a fresh AF playlist then it’s even worse. But still go. You don’t have to be a psycho like that one friend who doesn’t shut up about spin class. Just go for like, 45 minutes a few times a week. Do some cardio, lift a few free weights. If you’re eating right, this should be enough. There’s literally no exercise that can burn off a diet of cheese fries, so, provided you aren’t eating them, you’ll be fine with this lame-ass work out. It’ll prevent some fat form depositing in your arteries, at the very least. Yay?.
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