A lot of things make me cringe: the interview portion of the Miss America pageant, children on leashes, and tasteless sideboob just to name a few. With that said, nothing makes me cringe more than self-help books. Yesterday, I was walking through a book store to find myself a good book to read (or at least appear to be reading) on the beach when I wandered upon the self-help section. My eyes glazed over the sea of “how-to” books when all of a sudden they landed on the most cringe-worthy title of them all: “How To Understand Men.”
I hate to break it to any poor soul who actually owns that book, but you don’t need to spend $25.99 on a book to understand guys. Guys aren’t hard. I mean, they are if you know what you are doing, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m saying that there’s not much going on inside the mysterious mind of men. In fact, it’s pretty empty up there. But by realizing just a few simple things about guys, you will be well on your way to finding your Ryan (Gosling or Reynolds, whichever tickles your fancy).
1. They are thinking about sex every second of every day.
This is a no-brainer, but many girls don’t realize the extent of how often they think about sex. A guy will put up with a lot for just the possibility of getting it in. Think about it: he’s probably not taking you out to the nicest restaurant because he loves dim lighting and small portions. Don’t get upset by this — use it to your advantage. When guys are not thinking about sex, you can bet they are thinking about sports, food, or booze.
2. They don’t over-analyze everything the way you do.
Just because you are wondering what he meant by his last text does not mean he is as well. Too many of my friends have spent countless hours debating if his “See ya later” text meant “I’m playing this cool, but I am counting down the hours until we see each other again,” or “I’m trying to be nice, but you’re annoying me and I want this conversation to be over.” In reality, he was probably playing Xbox and meant that he’ll see you later. Take everything at face value and you’ll most likely be on the same page.
3. They think in the moment, not for the future.
Many girls wonder why guys sleep with trashy girls. For the simple answer, refer to #1. The more complex answer is that guys are unable to think ahead. In your mind, he should wait for someone like you to come wandering into his life, but in his mind “a slut in the sheets is worth more than a classy girl in the streets” or however that phrase goes. This is no excuse for a cheater, but it might help you understand that a guy isn’t necessarily picking her over you.
4. They don’t care that you think Claire is a bitch because she totally showed up wearing a Gossip Girl worthy outfit when she told you she was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt.
Go ahead and tell him the story, though, because chances are, he’s not listening anyway. This is like when he talks about the great homerun, 5-pointer goal that some guy made while sporting really hard.
5. They get jealous easily.
This is the one that no guy likes to admit. The only thing he likes more than beating his friends in sports is winning the girl that everyone wants, but no one can have. Playing hard-to-get is the best and most dangerous tool at your disposal.
Now you know. So save your money on self-help books and buy a new outfit that even Claire would be envious of. That bitch..