Easter weekend is a beautiful celebration of the day Jesus died on the cross and then miraculously rose from the dead three days later. If you’re in college, Easter weekend is also an excuse to go back home, see all your friends, and make a bunch of drunken regrettable decisions that involve tequila and your high school boyfriend. This is the first time that everyone from your high school has been together since winter break, and after spending spring break sipping piña coladas on a beach somewhere, you’re looking tan and feeling hot. It’s a recipe for disaster. In addition to the number one man in your life (maybe, I don’t know your life), JC, rising from the dead, here are five things that will also make a long-awaited appearance.
1. Your Mother, Obnoxiously Early
Good luck trying to sleep in this weekend, because your mom will be at your bedside waking you up bright and early at 8 a.m. Long week away at school? She doesn’t care. Hungover? She’ll wake you up even earlier. Why? Because unlike in infancy, where mothers look lovingly at their tiny sleeping angel hoping they stay asleep long enough for her to get some rest, your mother now looks at her slightly older sleeping baby and thinks, “Finally, I can get revenge for all those nights you kept me up, bitch” and wakes you up. Sure, she might bribe you with some homemade breakfast and a promise to take you shopping later, but be warned, this will not be fun.
2. Your Tolerance
It seems like the days when you could guzzle vodka straight from the handle and knock back shots like nobody’s business are long gone. You are but a shell of the incredible drinker you once were. It vanished sometime after freshman year, along with your dignity and your one-night stand virginity. You’ve accepted your status as a lightweight and embraced it for all of its benefits. But because it is the weekend of miracles, your tolerance will somehow magically reappear. Don’t question it, don’t ask why. Just enjoy it while it lasts.
3. Your High School Boyfriend
Do high school boyfriends get some kind of text message alerting them to your presence as soon as you step into your hometown? Because it definitely seems like it. Miraculously, they’ll just show up wherever you are. At the bar, at a party, or just out on the town. It’s like they’ve been sitting, plotting, waiting for this moment since winter break. Obviously, you can’t just ignore him when you see him. You’re a mature adult now, not the hormonal teenager you were when you two were together. You’ll catch up for a few minutes and realize one of two things. Either you’ll realize he’s an asshole and you’ll be glad you got out of that toxic relationship when you did, or you’ll realize those feelings you had for him never went away and they might never go away and you think he might’ve been the one all along and you just couldn’t see it and then you go home with him. Or you make out in his car. The next morning you’ll wake up with a massive hangover and realize that it was just the alcohol talking and text your FWB from your college town asking him when he gets back.
4. That Top You Thought You Lost
Like any good best friend, you let your high school bestie borrow a cute top on one of the many occasions when she was at your house. “Just give it back to me later,” you told her. Months went by. Then years. You moved multiple times and you assumed you just lost it somewhere along the way. You thought that top was dead and gone. This weekend, your high school best friend will show up to the bar wearing that same shirt you let her borrow and she never gave back.
“OHMIGOD I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE TOP FOREVER!” you’ll scream, as she embarrassingly looks down at her shirt.
“Oh, this is yours? I’ve had it for years. I completely forgot I borrowed it from you back then. I’ll give it back to you tomorrow,” she says.
Except this time she actually will, and just like that, you’ll have a brand new (to you) top.
5. Your Dignity
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes (or, you know, Jesus Christ rising from the dead), your dignity, something you haven’t seen since that ABC party freshman year, will return to you. It left like a thief in the night on the night that you and your duct-taped body were dancing on a table, fell, got back up, and danced more. This weekend might be a reunion of sorts for everyone from you high school, but you will remain
calm, cool, and collected drunk but not that drunk and not do anything too embarrassing. It’s an Easter miracle!
Happy Easter, degenerates. Pray for me. .