Everyone knows that college is all about furthering your intelligence and gaining professional skills so that you can graduate and automatically land your dream job as CEO of Wells Fargo (right). In reality, it’s what’s behind the closed doors–or should we say sheer curtains put in place by university officials to try to uphold standards–that really defines just how life at each university is.
To the average college student, partying plays a large factor in the overall experience. Regardless of if you’re taking part in the partying or not, there’s no way to ignore the inevitable morning after walk of shamers on your way to class or the clearly hungover kid next to you sporting sunglasses and last night’s shirt (complete with the jungle juice spill down the front). But this chaos is taken to a completely different level when you attend a party school. There’s no way to truly describe the experience, but below are a few ways to make it more understandable.
You hate Sundays. After an entire week of drinking almost exclusively shitty, $10-a-handle vodka, you dread Sunday. It means the inevitable–that freight train that you’ve been avoiding all week will finally run into you at full speed. That’s right, it’s time for the hangover from hell to commence. It’s hard to even get out of bed, but today you actually have to be a functioning member of society. That project that you’ve put on the back burner all week? Yeah, you’ve got to start and complete it today. That extensive pile of outfits you decided not to wear, along with the cheap, plastic shot glasses lying in every nook and cranny of your room? Time to clean that up. These tasks are enough to make any sober college kid groan, so just imagine where that leaves you.
You fear for your friend’s safety when she visits. Sure, it’s one thing to read about all the crazy things that happen at party schools, but until you actually experience the mass chaos, there is absolutely no way to ever be prepared. All that tolerance-building your friend thinks she’s been doing is for nothing. The night more often than not ends with you holding your friend’s hair back as she vomits into the toilet, and that’s if you’re lucky. The next morning will consist of the two of you trying to piece together just exactly what boy she was DFMOing with, and how she happened to get the numerous collection of bruises down her leg. This will be a task too difficult even for you. After all, you were obviously blacked out, too.
Blacking out is encouraged. For the average partier, blacking out can be a scary experience. It’s scary enough to make some people consider stopping drinking altogether. When you go to a party school, blacking out is not only a normal part of your vocabulary, but is also considered the sign of a good night. It’s completely normal for you to black out on any given day of the week and still show up to your 8 a.m. the next day. I mean, you’re more than likely still drunk, and class is better drunk, anyway.
You are constantly challenged. Although I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to leave his or her party school, there comes a time when you have to visit your friends at their colleges. They are so excited to take you out and have you meet all of their new friends, but this usually ends one of two ways for you:
1. Everyone around you seems to think that it is their duty to attempt to outdrink you. You don’t find it annoying–in fact, you find it flattering that they are so hilariously jealous of your school’s reputation that they try to prove it wrong. Of course, this ends with you already having shotgunned two beers, as they are still trying to open theirs with a random sharp object or a set of keys.
2. You are automatically seen as an all-knowing drinking god. Everyone around you treats you like some sort of circus monkey. They make you chug a whole jug of whatever mixed drink they have, or they line up shots and make you take them all. Once again, you find it flattering and you complete the challenge with the grace and poise that attending a party school has given you. LOL, JK, you totally smash that beer on your head and yell out some expletive.
You are the textbook definition of an alcoholic. Like, actually. The amount of alcohol you consume is enough to make anyone not attending your school cringe, but to you, it’s just everyday life. When someone tells you that seven drinks qualify as binge drinking, you scoff. You most likely pregamed the pregame with more than seven drinks alone. You know that the crazy partying will end as soon as your four years are up, so for now it’s time to drink as much as humanly possible and defy all the odds by still remaining alive and well.
You know that these will be some of the greatest moments of your life, and no good story ever starts with, “that one time when I was drinking water…” Those who don’t understand may frown upon your actions, but hey, it’s not alcoholism until you graduate. Live it up while you still have the chance, and show those non-partiers who’s in charge, one shot(gun) at a time.