Grab your capes, ladies, because Hollywood just dropped some major news. Brie Larson took to Instagram on Sunday to announce that she will be starring as Captain Marvel, also known as Carol Danvers. For those of you who don’t know of Larson, she has already snagged herself an Oscar and even appeared in “Trainwreck.” While there have been female superheroes in other action films, “Captain Marvel” will be the first movie focusing on a female lead.
Reading a quick summary of the convoluted plot left me with an instant hangover, but from what I can tell, Captain Marvel sounds like a total badass. In the comics, she married another superhero, moved to space for a little while, hung out with the Avengers, and developed a mild drinking problem. She also has what seems to be a split personality, with Carol and Captain Marvel not being aware that one another exist. So, you know, just your average sorority girl.
The movie is slated to be released in 2019. It remains a mystery as to what plot lines will be included, and what superpowers that Captain Marvel will actually have. In the meantime, I couldn’t help but dream up a few superpowers that I think should make an appearance in the film.
Nothing is worse than falling hard for a guy, only to realize that said boy is a first class douche. But with the ability to throw up a fuckboy ward, it will be automatically clear who is worthy of your time.
So, this may be loosely based off of Jesus, but imagine having the ability to convert any liquid into wine. Tap water? Wine. Jungle Juice? Wine. Rain? WINE.
Super Speedy Arms
There is an important distinction here. Nobody likes running. And if they say they do, don’t trust them. So why even bother with super speed? All you need are quick hands, and you’ll be able to do your makeup in the blink of an eye. And more importantly, remove it.
The opposite of the douche ward, the ability to attract puppies from miles around within a moment’s notice is just as valuable.
Why spend hundreds on hair removal when you can literally zap it from your legs by glaring at it? Also, your side eye game would be straight fire.
I almost added mind control to this list, but I didn’t. After all, we ladies can pretty much do that already..