Fall is finally here, and we’re all rightfully pumped about it. It’s the best time of the year for a number of completely legitimate reasons we all know to be true. We finally get to wear leggings ’round the clock, indulge in far too many pumpkin spice lattes, and hide that extra slice of pie we ate with giant sweatshirts. I’m aroused just thinking about it.
One downfall to this great season, however, is that it’s a prime time for those who don’t understand our seasonal obsessions (AKA boys) to mock us for giving into what we all love, or, in other words, fitting the stereotype that is the “basic bitch.” Okay, I get it. Maybe we’re collective in our habits. But we can’t help it! Is it our fault that Uggs are basically like two warm clouds for our feet? No. Is it our fault that Starbucks knows exactly what to put into a drink to wire us for three straight months? No. Is it our fault that leggings are a staple in our fall wardrobe due to the fact that they go with LEGITIMATELY EVERYTHING WE OWN? No. It’s not. It’s all fucking amazing, and you bet your ass we’re going to indulge in it.
So, in typical fashion, with my bad attitude and snarky tendencies, I’ve decided to fight back. I’m not going to say girls aren’t basic. Let’s face it, we are. But you know what, boys? You’re fucking basic, too. You also give into trends, whether they’re totally reasonable or downright stupid. Next time you want to rag on your girlfriend for fitting a stereotype you find laughable, remember exactly why and how often you and your pals take part in the following.
Raise your hand if you feel personally victimized by boys who shave their scruff. Man, I love a good beard. Let me rephrase: I love a good beard–not those random patches of pubes some boys choose to sport. A guy who can rock a legitimate beard is nothing short of sex on legs, for reasons I will never understand. I firmly believe that a nice amount of scruff is the most inviting feature a boy can have. To me, it says, “Right now, I’m just here to chug a 40 and pass out, but there is a healthy chance that I could be a good dad someday.”
I swear, guys will tailgate for anything. Football game? Tailgate. Pledge event later tonight? Tailgate. We found Thor’s hammer in an abandoned cornfield and no one is strong enough to pick it up? Fuck yeah, we’re gonna tailgate. I really can’t hate though; I’m not one to turn down a day of heavy binge drinking that will knock you out before 5 p.m. and give you a bomb-ass night’s sleep. Day drinking isn’t a bad habit to develop, as long as you kick the habit before you’re old enough to be burdened with major life responsibilities.
3. L.L.Bean Boots
I guess they’re cute in a wannabe lumberjack sort of way, but they don’t make a whole lot of sense. Just because it’s 20 degrees colder, it doesn’t mean the terrain is suddenly impossibly rocky and difficult to cross. Calm down, hiker Joe. You’re still driving your Wrangler to campus and walking an astounding 50 feet on a smooth sidewalk. I do like when they pair the boots with those thick, wool socks, though. That, for some reason, makes me think of snuggling, and who doesn’t like to snuggle? (Besides Satan and your douche ex-boyfriend, that is.)
4. Spiking Hot Chocolate
Spiking hot chocolate isn’t the trend here. It’s telling people that they’ve spiked hot chocolate. Nothing says “future alcoholic” like mixing a gallon of whiskey with two tablespoons of cocoa. Hold up. Why the fuck am I mocking this? Someone sign me up, STAT.
5. Wearing Sweatpants And Moccasins When Hungover
“Man, that was a rough night. I guess my only option now is to dress up like a homeless Indian.” You can tell a guy had one too many Buds the night before when he’s wearing bunch-at-the-ankle sweats and moccasins that look as if they were passed down from his great-great-granddad in his frat. Pair those with something North Face and a pair of Ray Bans and BAM! You’ve got the official “hungover frat boy” uniform. Whenever I see a poor guy dressed like this, my maternal instincts kick in hardcore and I feel this inexplicable urge to spoon feed him Advil and water until his body is recuperated..