So you decided to go out on a weeknight. Not the worst decision in the world, especially considering the drink special prices and that guy’s number stored in your phone as “abs.” But as you wake up to the cruel, harsh light of reality and a headache that would make a UFC fighter curl up into the fetal position, you need to get ready to go to class or work.
At this point, you need three things: caffeine, carbs, and an outfit that doesn’t require much thinking capacity to plan. You need to mask the half a fifth of vodka and several tequila shots that are so desperately trying to leave your body, as well as give off the appearance that you are, indeed, a contributing member to society.
The following are five tried-and-true office casual looks that do just that.
Key Items: Navy blazer, low chignon, pearls, dark denim, loafers, glasses
No one questions your morals or ethics in a navy blazer (#lies) but it dresses up nearly any button-down, tee, or polo you can half-heartedly grab out of your closet. Dark denim is the most dressed up denim one can wear, and pulling your hair into a low chignon at the nape of your neck looks sophisticated. Plus, a monkey could do it. Loafers also add to the faux “I have my shit together” appeal. Wear glasses if you have them to forego the hell that is putting on eye makeup when your world is spinning and nothing seems real.
Key Items: Sheath dress, flats
Flats are key because there is no way in hell you are wearing heels in your current, swaying state of mind. The iconic sheath silhouette covers up your boobs, which is necessary because if you wear anything slightly low cut, you probably won’t notice if your bra or breasts themselves are hanging out. Add a statement necklace or any piece of big jewelry to pretend like you cared enough to think this through. Otherwise, your subtle yet tasteful day-to-day jewelry will act as a reminder of what a fucking lady you are.
Key items: Silk shell, tapered chinos, ballet flats
The silk, demure top speaks to sophistication and doesn’t allude to all the body shots you were doing off others (and allowing others to do off you, because you were raised in a polite household). No one suspects the person wearing chinos to have picked herself off of her bedroom floor hours earlier as she wondered where the hell she was while the cruel light of day poked through the shutters of her dorm room or apartment. Also, ballet flats, because if you trip over yourself in them, you only can metaphorically fall so far.
Key items: Polo shirt, slightly flared skirt, boat shoes
This vaguely country club-esque look can do no wrong. You can get down in the clubhouse with this if need be, but for right now, the polo should hide any “my head hurts too much to register a nip slip” issues. The skirt gives a streamlined, feminine look to an otherwise sporty top without all the constriction of a pencil skirt (that would give away how bloated you look and feel). Boat shoes are essentially refined sneakers, so you can silently plod down the hallway without cursing your heels–just your decisions.
Key items: Maxi dress, belt, sandals
The next best thing to pajamas, maxi dresses instantly make you feel better and eliminate any thought required to go into planning the outfit. Just keep on the jewelry you were wearing the night before, and maybe add a belt at your natural waist (underneath your chest but above your stomach) if you don’t feel too nauseous. Add blinged out sandals or ballet flats to keep it easy and once again fake the appearance of a pre-meditated outfit.
Now go forth, young baller, and pray you’re not pulled into any early morning meetings.