I absolutely detest when people use the phrase “crazy” to describe a girl. Guess what?! For every girl that gets called crazy, there’s some idiot guy that caused her to be that way. On the reverse, the only times a girl will call another girl crazy (in a bad way) is when referring to her new boyfriend’s ex girlfriend. Oh, you’re insecure about the fact that your current hook-up has hooked up with others before you? Here’s a solution: stop throwing the “crazy” around and just get over it. Anyway, I actually started to examine behaviors that have caused “crazy,” “insane,” and “psycho” to be thrown my way, and I’ve come to realize that I am not a “new breed of crazy,” as I’ve been told. I’m just going to put a list of things we all do out in the open, because…it’s totally normal.
5. Cry. Because We Can.
I think it’s a huge stereotype that girls are perpetual emotional trainwrecks 24/7. We are legiterally only perpetual emotional trainwrecks for 5 days out of the month, and we all know which 5 days those are. Anyway, guys handle their aggression/frustration/fear/anger/whatever by getting drunk/fighting/breaking stuff. Our method of venting our feelings is much more peaceful: we cry. When I’m excited and or overwhelmed with emotion (my first bid day) I cried. When I was upset (the death of a family member) I cried. When I watched the series finale of Desperate Housewives and I almost truly believed I knew these characters on a personal level, I cried. When I was so overjoyed (the birth of my new nephew) I cried. When I get drunk off of wine and lay on my floor looking through the textbook that was September’s issue of Vogue, I cried. See? Totally normal.
4. Call…More Than Once
In a perfect world, all of us are irresistible bombshells who have an endless supply of men at our beck and call. While this might not be far from the truth, it’s not reality. We’ve all been in this scenario: you’ve made plans to hang out, and then you don’t hear from him…so you give him a call, because you’re just trying to confirm that his phone MUST be off, which is why he hasn’t responded to your text messages. After you’re sent to voicemail, you decide to move on with your night…and then, after a few too many vodka sodas, you’re back to wondering why in the hell you haven’t heard from him yet. Here comes the scenario where you call, repeatedly, drunkenly, (mixed in with rambly, seemingly-clingy, repetitive text messages) because we are unclear as to how, all of a sudden, he could drop off the radar after being so smitten just yesterday. Does this make us crazy? No, it makes us curious. And drunk.
3. Doing Everything For Our Own Enjoyment
Some people call this “manipulative” I just refer to it as “fun.” For example, I don’t think it makes me crazy or manipulative to go on my boyfriend’s facebook and leave a backhanded compliment or two on an ex girlfriend’s profile pic. That’s funny. People need to learn how to take a joke. The other night, I actually orchestrated a scenario where one of my guy friends ended up taking home…get ready for it…a single mother. Like. Teen Mom quality. Why did I do this? Because I now have an endless supply of parental jokes I can aim at him in my arsenal. Does he hate himself and everyone around him for the experience? Probably, but whatever, I think it’s hilarious that I’ve signed him up for e-mails from baby.com and had a Babies ‘R’ Us catalogue sent to his house. See? I’m laughing. I win. Everybody has a selfish moment…or lifetime, and it’s completely acceptable.
2. Wanting Him to LOVE You, But Actually Not Caring
I’ll admit it: I’m a total attention whore. I LOVE being the center of attention…but that’s also because I’m so funny and witty and charming and gorgeous that I usually am anyway. This mentality holds true when it comes to dating. Post-breakups, I don’t actually miss the guy I was dating…I just get afraid that he’ll get over me. So what if I aspire to be the one person none of my exes will ever get over? All I wish for my ex-boyfriends is a life of happiness and minor success, and for them to always curse themselves for letting me go. It’s quite simple. Everyone expects girls to be the clingy ones in relationships – we’re not, we just want you to cling to us forever. Duh.
1. Stalking to the EXTREME
I swear to God, I am the absolute most accomplished stalker in the world…and I know I’m not alone in this. Facebook has created a world where it’s now possible to stalk the cute boy you’ve met all the way back to his junior prom, which is a beautiful thing. Aside from the mandatory post-meeting Facebook stalk, there’s also the Google search and the Zillow stalk. I think this is a fantastic way of getting to know someone before you can even actually get to know them. Trust me, all I need is a first name and I can basically create a timeline of someone’s major accomplishments, their hobbies/activities, and their family properties’ values. I know. It’s genius. I once had a conversation with a girl who pretended she didn’t Google the hell out of any boy she was interested, and I hated her immediately because I knew she was lying.
So basically, what we’ve all learned here, is that the word “crazy” should be reserved for people who go to rehab or senile senior citizens. There’s nothing wrong with being a curious, emotional narcissist, in a way that EVERYONE does…as long as you’re honest about it. Or something.