If you take a moment to crawl out from under the pile of candy canes, sugar cookies, and wrapping paper that you’ve been living under for the last week, you may notice that New Year’s Eve is right around the corner. If you’re anything like me, then you are probably happy that this hell of a year is coming to an end. However, there is one small thing standing between us and 2017: a New Year’s kiss. For most of us plebeians (read: single ladies), there is nothing quite as shameful as standing alone as the timer ticks down into the new year, only to awkwardly chug your vodka soda as couples and randos alike make out. Whether you are lonely and single or just not wanting to kiss Ted from 9th grade, here are some alternatives to the kiss of death. I mean, 2017.
Tape A Bottle Of Vodka To Your Lips
I like this option because you get to kill two birds with one stone! We all know how much you’ll be frequenting the bar on NYE, so just cut to the chase and tape a bottle to your lips. This way you won’t have to worry about your lipstick, and your arms will be free for dancing and selfie-taking. So what if people give you dirty looks as you run around like a drunken unicorn? They’re just jealous of your innovation.
Carry Around A Block of Blue Cheese
Speaking of multitasking, you always want to be prepared for a severe case of the drunchies. I mean, NYE lasts forever and it’s not like you can cut out early for some Taco Bell and call it a night. Solution: bring your own block of cheese. While any kind will cure your hunger, I recommend some good ol’ blue cheese to keep the fuckboys away. It may smell like the reincarnation of death, but at least it pairs perfectly with your Riesling.
Invest In A Really Good Grill
To be clear: I don’t mean haul around a George Foreman all night. Instead, treat yourself and invest a diamond-encrusted grill that you can slip right on over your teeth. Some boys are persistent, so they may dodge your vodka bottle and claim that they are blue cheese fanatics. In such case, you have to resort to scaring them away. What better way to do that than by flashing them a dazzling smile that reads “Cute But Psycho” in Swarovski crystals? Bonus: if you do happen to see a cute guy worth gracing with your lips, all you have to do is whip that grill right off and be on your merry way.
The New Year’s Handshake
Maybe you don’t have the time or money to invest in a fancy grill. Don’t worry! Luckily, there are plenty of other ways to scare potential suitors off. If he comes at you with puckered lips, dodge the bullet by aggressively extending your right arm and shaking his limp hand. Nothing screams sexy like a proper, business casual introduction.
Buy A New Lip Kit
Who says that all these alternatives have to be a pain? Take advantage of the post-holiday sales and buy yourself a new lip kit or some expensive lip gloss. It will give you something to talk about all night, and will give you a fantastic excuse to dodge the midnight smooch if he still doesn’t get the message. And if you happen to throw your drink on him? I mean, who can blame you. It was just so inconsiderate of him to try messing up your designer lips.
Feel free to use a combination of these options when you venture out on NYE. Or you can always ring in the new year from your home. Alone. With a box of wine..
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