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49 Things You Think When You’re Hungover

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Because drinking all night was a good idea.

  1. Where am I?
  2. Why does the sun think it can shine through my window right now?
  3. GO THE FUCK AWAY, SUN. NO ONE LIKES YOU. YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.
  4. Sorry, work. I’m not coming in. “Food Poisoning.”
  5. Why did I take that last shot?
  6. Five Tylenol capsules are the serving size right?
  7. My drunken self could remember to wash my face but not take off my stilettos.
  8. I didn’t actually eat nine tacos last night, did I?
  9. WATER.
  10. Why is there blood everywhere?
  11. Yeah, my toe is 100 percent broken.
  12. Was my phone cracked before last night?
  13. I feel like the girl from “The Exorcist.”
  14. I look like the girl from “The Exorcist.”
  15. Don’t check bank account. Don’t check bank account. Don’t check bank account.
  16. Did I really buy everyone in the group a $7 shot?
  17. Who spends $36 at Taco Bell?
  18. Totally not reading that email from my standards chair.
  19. Who is “Chief Big Dick” and why did he text me 17 times last night? And why did he call me “Angel?”
  20. No, I did not have sex in a bar bathroom…
  21. Please tell me a condom was involved.
  22. Did I really flash for a churro?
  23. Who’s shirt am I wearing?
  24. Oh, good. I’m glad I called my ex 14 times last night.
  25. Naturally, I lost my ID. And debit card. And dignity.
  26. How did I get home?
  27. Yeah, shitty tequila and nachos were a great idea.
  28. I hate tequila.
  29. I hate everything.
  30. Whose pants are hanging from my fan?
  31. Pretty sure I threw up in front of a cop last night and told him it was morning sickness. At night.
  32. Did I really go up to my ex’s new girlfriend and passive-aggressively tell her I want to be friends?
  33. I DON’T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER.
  34. Why is there vomit in my sink?
  35. Oh. Right. Because I projectiled everywhere.
  36. Can I get brunch delivered?
  37. Tagged in pictures on Facebook? No thanks.
  38. Hooking up on a kitchen counter in a room full of people was a solid choice.
  39. Pretty sure I cried to a stranger about my dead cat. Sorry.
  40. Is that a hickey?
  41. That’s a hickey.
  42. How did I get a hickey?
  43. Who the fuck is on my couch?
  44. I’d sell my body for a large coffee. And pancakes. And a time machine.
  45. I need to go to the gym all day today.
  46. Except I can’t move my legs. Or head. Or my body in general.
  47. I know I don’t smoke weed. But I need weed.
  48. Perfect. Apparently I made out with my little last night.
  49. I am never drinking again. Ever. Until happy hour at 5.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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