Columns

47 Reasons I Hate Everyone

47 Reasons I Hate Everyone

  1. They pay with 25 coupons, have questions about every single item, and need to count out exact change when you’re behind them in line when all you’re trying to do is buy a damn eyebrow pencil.
  2. They order a salad after you ordered pizza.
  3. Even though you’re at a pizza place. Who the hell orders salad at a pizza place?
  4. The devil. That’s who.
  5. They don’t feel the need to use turn signals.
  6. And if they do use them, they do it wrong.
  7. Because the thing is, you get that they’re going to turn right, but you don’t need to know three miles ahead of time.
  8. And then they turn left, instead. Thanks for the heads up.
  9. They put their baby as their profile picture.
  10. They decide to walk at the slowest pace possible right in front of you when you’re in a hurry.
  11. And they somehow manage to take up the entire walkway.
  12. You have to do the oh so casual “Can I get by? No? Cool. I’ll just go fuck myself” thing.
  13. They think wearing spandex underwear, a padded sports bra, and prom makeup is gym-appropriate attire.
  14. The DMV’s mere existence.
  15. An average cup of coffee costs $5, and that’s just something you’re supposed to accept.
  16. And your name won’t even be spelled correctly. Despite the fact that you have one of the most basic names ever.
  17. It’s spelled “Ashley,” not “Ashuhlee.” Thanks.
  18. They have a stick figure family on the back of their car.
  19. They say they’re “so fat” when they’re actually, like, 15 pounds lighter than you are.
  20. Yeah, you’re such a heifer at 103 pounds. Bitch.
  21. When no one “likes” their status on Facebook, they have an internal struggle of “to delete or not to delete.”
  22. We don’t live in the time period where being pale and fat is totally “in.”
  23. Someone decided that guacamole should be upcharged at Chipotle, and LOL at getting your $1.80 worth.
  24. Selfies at the gym.
  25. Selfies in bed with a generic caption, such as, “Going to sleep, don’t I look sexy and ready for bed in my pushup bra and full face of makeup?”
  26. Just selfies in general, because they fucking suck.
  27. People who are uglier and lamer than you have boyfriends.
  28. And are getting married.
  29. And having babies.
  30. You can’t causally eat penis-shaped food without some sort of pervy look or comment.
  31. They will happily update their Facebook, tweet to celebrities, and send smoke signals to their fantasy football teams, but they won’t answer a simple text message.
  32. They smile on Mondays like it’s not Monday.
  33. They like your posts just to be passive-aggressive.
  34. It’s like, thanks for the “like,” but I still fucking hate you.
  35. They Snapchat your boyfriend because it’s “totally no big deal.”
  36. Or they put super seductive pictures in their story.
  37. Children could be looking at that. Or guys who are in somewhat committed relationships.
  38. That’s basically the same thing as children.
  39. They have more Instagram followers than you do.
  40. You purchase something online for $20, but then get charged $20 more for shipping, which is not only unfair, but also un-American.
  41. They have naturally bigger boobs than you.
  42. They complain about having long hair while you’re in the corner popping biotin like an addict.
  43. People who hooked up with your boyfriend think they can still make eye contact with him.
  44. YOUR DAYS OF EYE CONTACT ARE OVER, YOU SHE-DEVIL.
  45. They don’t like “Blank Space.”
  46. Some people actually like Kim Kardashian.
  47. Not ironically. They actually like her as a person, and that is just not a world I’m okay with.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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