The orgasm. It’s the source of love, war, and destroyed linens everywhere. It’s why we go on dates, put up with people who NEVER PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN, and meet the parents. It’s not sex we like; it’s orgasms. And while we’re all busy tossing back shots and sliding into DMs, I’d like to take a second to say, “Hold the fuck up.” It’s not a race. It’s not about getting someone in bed. There’s more to life than just that. It’s about getting someone off in bed. So, to continue my sex-filled series, I’d like to address le orgasm. What it is, why we love it, and most importantly, how to have them as much as humanly possible. Because money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you orgasms, which is kind of the same thing, only much, much, better.
- The word “orgasm” is from the Greek word orgasmos, which means “to swell with moisture, be excited or eager.”
Because nothing is sexier than saying the word “moist.”
- More than 70 percent of women have orgasms as a result of direct clit attention.
What can we say? It’s where the magic happens.
- And women can bang out multiple orgasms in one session.
Anything they can do, we can do better. And longer. And more of.
- The world record for the longest time spent masturbating to orgasm is six and a half hours for a woman, and eight and a half hours for a man.
Talk about determination.
- When sexually aroused, 60 percent of men get erect nipples.
It’s like they’re giving us a standing ovation. With their tits.
- Half of the female population have their first orgasm through masturbation.
Because those two minutes of “losing your virginity” thrusting usually doesn’t get the job done.
- And the average age for ladies to experience their first orgasm is eighteen.
Which seems pretty old. But don’t worry, most of us were just mature for our age…
- It’s true. Orgasms cure headaches.
Because we didn’t have a hard enough time thinking of excuses already.
- There’s only one female orgasm.
None of this, “inner, outer, clitoral, vaginal, upside down” bullshit. There’s just one. And it’s everything.
- With a combination of breathing, fantasy, and focus, you can literally get off just by thinking.
Which is what they should really be teaching us in school. BrainSex101.
- And about 0.06 percent of men can come through fantasizing alone.
Look ma, no hands!
- 60 percent of women have experienced some form of female ejaculation.
Which is more than half of us. #NeverAlone
- But 10 percent say that they regularly ejaculate ‘forcefully’ at orgasm.
Sorry buddy, you’re in the splash zone.
- Women who feel insecure about their relationship are less likely to orgasm.
TELL ME I’M PRETTY DAMN IT.
- Some women faint when they come and, in very rare cases, have heart failure and die.
Death. Because what the actual fuck.
- Which is ironic because the French refer to an orgasm as the le petit mort meaning “the little death.”
Which is offensive. And also absurdly on point.
- People in relationships get off more often than people who are just hooking up.
So go ahead, make it FBOooohhhhhh god yes.
- When men orgasm, their brains release chemicals that make them sleepy assholes.
Which is why they think rolling over and passing out is acceptable. Bless their hearts.
- The average female orgasm lasts between six and ten seconds.
onnneeeee mississippiiiiiii… twooooo mississippiiiiiiiii…
- You give yourself the best orgasms.
Hello hand, my oldest, truest friend.
- Some women can orgasm up to one hundred times in an hour.
Some people are just living the dream, you know?
- And 1 percent of women can orgasm from breast stimulation alone.
While the other ninety-nine percent of us are insanely jealous.
- Some women can actually orgasm during labor.
As opposed to just shitting on the table. Which is also possible. Because fuck us, right?
- Women are more easily stimulated than men.
So suck on that guys! No, seriously. Suck on it. Please? PLEASE!
- Seventy percent of women have faked an orgasm. And worst part? Guys can tell. Apparently when we actually orgasm our vaginas retract, our pulses race, our pupils dilate, we have vaginal muscle spasms, our feet arch, and our nipples get excited.
Well… this is awkward.
- Doggie-style is one of the best O-inducing positions for women.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to go outside or anything. It’s just the style.
- 10-15 percent of women are anorgasmic, meaning they’re physically unable to orgasm.
And for that they deserve every Edible Arrangement in the world.
- Women ages eighty to ninety-nine are actually more sexually satisfied than younger women.
Just goes to show that we really DO get better with age.
- Less than a third of all women regularly orgasm during sex, while three-quarters of men always do.
More giving, less getting yourself off and passing the fuck out, guys.
- Men who have two or more orgasms a week are likely to live longer.
A statistic that was most likely made up by a guy who thought he wasn’t getting laid enough. Nice try.
- The average man only needs six minutes to climax.
Which is less time than it takes to pick something on Netflix.
- Whereas the average woman needs twenty minutes to make it to the big finish.
Still faster than making a Netflix selection, however. So it’s not the worst way to spend a half hour.
- But some women have been reported to climax with only thirty seconds of masturbation.
*Hair flip emoji girl.
- People look like they’re in pain when they’re orgasming because the same parts of your brain that make you feel fan-freaking-tastic also make you hurt like hell.
Love is pain, get it? Oh sweet, orgasmic, irony.
- Oh, and BTW, orgasms are felt primarily in the brain.
See guys? Penis size doesn’t matter. Brain size is where the sexy is at.
- An erection isn’t necessarily needed for a guy to jizz.
Which is a horrifying mental image.
- May is National Masturbation Month.
But it’s best to make everyday a holiday and celebrate it year round.
- And the San Francisco Center for Sex and Culture holds a Masturbate-A-Thon each year.
Which is one convention you definitely don’t want to see your parents at.
- Men’s orgasms stimulate the same area of the brain as heroin does in an addict’s brain.
Which explains, well, everything.
- Female ejaculation is not urine. It resembles diluted fat-free milk and has a sweet taste.
Just in case your gag reflex wasn’t working yet today.
- But women can actually expel urine during orgasm.
A fact that will officially haunt all of us for the rest of our lives.
- An orgasm only burns about three calories, but a person can burn around fifty calories in the activity leading up to the orgasm.
And that activity is not CrossFit. Or talking about CrossFit. Or anything CrossFit related.
- 70 percent of coital deaths have occurred during extramarital intercourse.
Hear that cheaters? You’ll have sex and die.
- When a woman orgasms, her body produces four times the normal amount of oxytocin.
Which is why get all “stage five” after we get it on. #SorryNotSorry
- But oxytocin is inhibited by alcohol. So even though we’re horny when we’re drunk, we’re much less likely to get off. Because life isn’t fair.
Enter: The whiskey dick.
- Semen is actually only about three percent sperm.
But those swimmers really know how to fuck shit up.
- Scientists can infer a woman’s “history of vaginal orgasm” by the way she walks.
Thanks a lot, science.
Want to read more dirty things? Of course you do, you nasty. Check out the links below to get get your sexy knowledge fill. And if anyone asks, you’re learning, okay?.
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