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42 Things Things That Make Me Unbelievably Happy–And Also A Bad Person

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  1. When someone trips and then looks around to see if anyone noticed, and you’re standing there like, “I know what you did.”
  2. When your profile picture has more likes than your frenemy’s profile picture. 
  3. When his ex is uglier than you.
  4. When his new girlfriend is uglier than you.
  5. Basically when anyone is uglier than you. #DontHateMeCauseI’mBeautiful
  6. When he cancels guys’ night because you pitched a fit.
  7. Being too drunk to drive home so you have to call a sober sister. Chop chop, chauffeur.
  8. Not being the first girl out in flip cup. #ProStatus
  9. Befriending the standards chair to avoid ever having to go to a standards meeting.
  10. When you see that someone deleted a post after five minutes because they didn’t get any likes.
  11. Talking to a guy to get a free drink, and then shamelessly walking away.
  12. Saying you have a boyfriend to get out of a conversation, when you really don’t have a boyfriend.
  13. “Food poisoning” being the reason you can’t come into work.
  14. “Food poisoning” being the code for “too hungover, too drunk, or too lazy to put on pants.”
  15. Being on exec so you can get away with everything exec tells you not to do.
  16. Telling your parents you have to go study for a test when you really have to study how many boys can hit on you in one night.
  17. Watching other couples fight.
  18. Being way too drunk and throwing up all of the alcohol and Taco Bell you consumed.
  19. Befriending the smart kid on the first day of class for the sole reason of knowing you’ll skip half of the semester.
  20. Low cut shirts give us low, low prices.
  21. Seeing someone else get pulled over for speeding when you were pushing 90.
  22. Saying that was your last piece of gum, when you have two extra packs in your bag.
  23. Pretending you didn’t see the person who was waiting for the parking spot.
  24. Suddenly having a phone call when “that person” is about to say hi.
  25. Taking the last piece of pizza without offering it to anyone else.
  26. Not letting someone use your hair tie because you know you’ll never see it again.
  27. Saying you can’t do something for “family reasons” when your actual reason is the “Sex and the City” marathon that’s on all day.
  28. Ignoring the call, then sending a text three minutes later with the classic “Whoops, sorry I missed your call, what’s up?”
  29. Drunk texting him when you’re not actually drunk.
  30. “Not being able to even” when you’re just too lazy to describe how you feel.
  31. When the ex comes crawling back, and you get to be like, “Haha, no thanks.”
  32. Having an actual reason to be mad at him.
  33. And keeping him in the doghouse for WAY longer than necessary.
  34. When that “perfect couple” breaks up.
  35. Forgetting to eat lunch and therefore losing a pound.
  36. Remembering that you didn’t eat lunch, so complaining to your boyfriend until he takes you to dinner.
  37. Eating your roommate’s food then blaming it on your other roommate. Because, like, it wasn’t me.
  38. “Oh, my God, I totally didn’t get your text.”
  39. Complaining about the meal to get it for free.
  40. Telling the dentist that you floss every day, twice a day.
  41. Blaming the smell on the dog.
  42. Diet Coke. Because I’m pretty sure it’s rotting our insides. But, like, YOLO.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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