I think at this point in life, it’s safe to assume that everyone has consumed alcohol at some point or another. Some people might have their first alcoholic beverage with their parents at the Christmas dinner table, and other people will wait until their 21st birthday before hesitantly taking their first shot. I can honestly say I am neither of these people. My first experience involving booze consisted of me consuming a can of FourLoko with my best friend before running drunkenly around Target, “surfing” on the carts, then eventually getting reprimanded by my parents and the management of Target because apparently “it’s not socially acceptable to puke in the pillow aisle.” Although my first drunken experience wasn’t exactly the classiest, I can honestly say that like most drunken experiences, it was one for the books.
There are a lot of plusses to getting drunk. Besides being an excellent stress reliever, inebriation is also the perfect justification for just about every questionable behavior known to man, from drunk texting your ex to somehow waking up in jail. Although the justification factor is one of the major upsides to getting piss ass drunk, it is also one of the biggest downsides. Getting totally trashed always has slight situational variation but ultimately always ends the same- with you doing something stupid. It’s common knowledge that no good story ever began in the library or while eating a salad so here are the top 40 things that always sound like a good idea when you’re drunk but you will one hundred percent regret in the morning.
- Going to get fast food.
Taco Bell tastes great at 4am but not so hot coming back up at 9:30 am.
- Drunk texting your ex.
The “Hey wanna cum over” text is the root of all evil.
- Drunk calling your ex.
Because that fucker didn’t respond to your text.
- Leaving 4am voicemails to your parents
Good luck trying to retract every word of that slurred 30-minute rant the next day.
- Going to “explore” high surfaces.
Including but not limited to roofs, ladders, statues and playgrounds.
- Dancing on elevated surfaces.
You look super hot dancing on the bar until you eat shit face first on to the ground and it ends up being a viral Facebook video.
- Hooking up with someone who is totally not your type.
Give a dad bod a chance…?
- Getting in a fight.
That bitch was the first one to view your boyfriend’s Snapchat story in 2011? You better call her a cunt and slap that hoe across the face in the middle of the club.
- Meeting people from Tinder in person.
Better hope he’s not a 45-year-old catfish.
- Peeing in public.
Apparently getting a ticket for “public indecency” is a thing.
Note to self: drunk nudes are bad.
- Calling an Uber XL or Black just for yourself.
Cause you’re a bad bitch of course.
- Singing karaoke.
Have you ever heard the sound of animals dying on the Discovery Channel? That’s what you sound like attempting to sing Ke$ha.
- Sleeping in public.
When you’re drunk, random benches transform into king size Tempur-Pedic mattresses.
- Obnoxious social media posts.
*Cue aggressive subtweets, Facebook check-in’s, and cleavage revealing Instagram selfies*
- “I think this would look awesome on my Snapchat story.”
*Deletes eight Snapchat stories upon waking up*
- Becoming a kleptomaniac.
Anything you can get your hands on suddenly becomes yours. One time I woke up with a pair of boat shoes, a hunting duck, and fraternity composite photo board in my bed. Sorry, SigEp.
- Online shopping.
Specifically for things you can’t actually afford.
- Talking shit on everyone you hate.
If you claim not to do this, you are a fucking liar.
- Publicly telling an excessive number of personal stories.
“So this one time at the camouflage party I was hooking up with this guy in a broom closet…”
- Blowing up GroupMe.
All 276 members of your theater history class really don’t need minute by minute updates of what bar you’re at.
- Experimenting with fire.
Guys always get the reputation as being pyromaniacs but have you ever tried spraying hairspray over a lighter? That shit’s dope.
- Disagreeing with anyone trying to help you.
“No I don’t want any water, goddamnit.”
- Using “fuck it” is as an acceptable response to everything.
Person: “You’re drunk.” You: “Fuck it.”
- Throwing your cellphone
You are invincible, it is invincible…until you meet stitches because you cut your finger trying to unlock your screen.
- Introducing yourself to everyone as your drunk alter ego.
“Hi, my name is Kimber.”
- Flashing people.
And not even for beads.
- Doing rush tits.
If your face isn’t in it, does it even count?
- Smoking cigarettes.
Bring on the lung cancer.
- Having sex in public
Bar bathroom, behind the club, in the car, on the roof, etc.
- Getting kinky in bed.
Four shots of tequila and the nipple clamps won’t even hurt right? Wrong.
- Trying anal.
Don’t. Just don’t.
- Trying new drugs.
Would I ever smoke salvia? No. Have I ever smoked salvia while blackout drunk? There’s probably a 50/50 chance.
- Getting spontaneous tattoos.
Because no one has ever gotten their sorority’s letters on their ass sober.
- Sending passive aggressive texts to people on standards board.
You’re not better than me, bitch.
- Trying new dance moves.
Attempting to do the worm can in fact give you a concussion.
- Accepting rides from strangers.
..and offering to pay them for the ride by showing your boobs.
- Offering to pay for everyone’s drinks.
*Whips out Dad’s gold AmEx*
- Telling everyone what sorority you’re in.
Because, duh, it’s the best.
- Lying to everyone what sorority you’re in.
The better of the two if you ask me..