If you spent your weekend blissfully slamming shots at your favorite frat, taking your own little tour de Franzia, and dancing the night away with sisters on an elevated surface in between tossing back vodka-crans, then you get where I’m coming from. I’m talking about the Good Time Sallys of the bunch who wake up to find that they are missing a shoe while at the same time think, “Wait, where did these bruises come from?” Fear not, because I have all the answers you need to go from Lohan to LC. Wipe up what’s left of your makeup and scrounge up the remainder of your dignity, because it’s time to get up and face the real world — AKA go to Sunday chapter meeting.
Step 1: Get Your Shit Together
Waking up with a hangover sucks, and there is literally nothing worse. It’s time to call in the big — er, little guns, your little. Call your little and demand she bring you your favorite Starbucks order, because that is her job, after all. When she is speeding over to your aid, take your first look in the mirror. This will help you piece together some of your night. Notice a new shack shirt, a new bruise or two, or, God forbid, a hickey? Yeah, you’re going to have to figure out where those came from. In order to deduce what crazy debauchery went down the night before, you, your little, and your Starbs will need to use CIA-level spy skills to browse Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, and your iMessages for clues. Finally, take a damn shower. You still have remnants of glitter on your body and it looks like you had a midnight romp with Tinker Bell. Plus, the steam will take care of that pesky alcohol smell seeping from your pores.
Step 2: Decide If You Will Wear Pants
This will be by far the most important choice you make all day: pants or no pants? In order to figure out if you should wear pants or a dress to meeting, you will need to curl up on the floor and stare at the ceiling. I promise this makes all the difference. Pants offer the luxury of not having to cross your legs, but let’s be honest, you wouldn’t cross your legs in a dress, either. Don’t be a moron — put on your fiercest dress, and I suggest tights to cover the bruises. No one likes explaining how she slipped on beer and fell at the bar, so tights are pretty much a must. For the love of all things Yoncé, please do something presentable with your hair and makeup. I recommend covering up those dark circles and raccoon eyes as a place to start.
Step 3: Drag Your Ass Outside And Face The World
The time has finally come to actually go outside and head to meeting. This is personally one of the hardest steps in the process because I hate people and sunlight sucks, but whatever. You are going to need a fabulous pair of sunglasses to compliment your outfit, and bonus, they shield the world from your uncontrollable eye rolls and glares. Now comes the time to decided if you should get another coffee or fill up your favorite tumbler with some OJ and vodka. Since everyone knows the best cure for a hangover is to drink more, fill up that tumbler and don’t skimp on the OJ because, you know, vitamin C or something like that. Have your
chauffeur little drive you because sometimes you do make responsible choices, and you’re probably still well over the legal limit.
Step 4: Avoid Killing Your Sisters
On the drive over, mentally prepare yourself for the highest pitched voices on the planet. The more sorority girls in the room, the higher the pitch and the shorter your patience gets. As fate would have it, while you are sharing the shenanigans of your night that could rival one of Ke$ha’s (pre-rehab), your most annoying sister approaches attempting to join in on the fun. Not today, girl, NOT TODAY. She will piss you off more than usual and you won’t be able to avoid it, but your “resting” bitch face will eventually scare her off and things will be right again. Once you are finally sitting in meeting, dreaming of stabbing out your eyeballs, try and have some fun with it. The casual eye roll or well-timed side eye goes a long way. A bitchy and hilarious comment under your breath not only helps you, but those around you close enough to hear. Lastly, remember that these are the best years of your life, #makingmemories and all. Get ready to do it all again next weekend..