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4 Reasons Why Girls Hate Each Other

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In the American justice system, one is innocent until proven guilty. In the Girl World justice system, that’s obviously backward. Sometimes you meet another girl and she immediately does or says something nice to prove her innocence, but more times than not, you deem her guilty without so much as a verbal exchange. There might not be anything strange or off-putting about this girl, but she rubs you the wrong way and all you can think about is how much fun it would be to cut really short, straight-across bangs on her while she sleeps. Here are the reasons that lead us to that daydream.

Jealousy
Whether it’s bigger boobs, a smaller pant size, or the ability to pull off red lipstick without looking like second-rate hooker, this girl has something you don’t. And you don’t have to get above a C in Psych 101 to realize this is just jealousy speaking here. Every single female on the face of this planet has felt this way about another girl before–I’d honestly question your sanity if you haven’t. But what we all need to keep reminding ourselves is that sipping on haterade won’t make us any thinner, nor will it suddenly enable us to pull off a center part when we clearly don’t have the facial structure for it.

Disrespecting Personal Space
We all have a bubble. If someone else pops that bubble without your permission, it’s practically your constitutional right to detest her. This is the girl who puts her yoga mat too close to yours during a group class, or the girl who stands way too close to you in the Starbucks line and keeps glancing over your shoulder at your text messages. Besides loudly shuffling to the side to let everyone around you know this girl is invading your personal space, there’s not much you can do to avoid her. But if she just so happens to bump into you when you’re drunkenly reapplying your eyeliner, so help her, Jesus…

Try-Hards
Think of the type of girl who claims to know and “absolutely love” every single guy in the fraternity you’re sweetheart of, or the one who attempts to play the “Do you know her?” game with you about someone in your sorority. It’s, like, yes, I fucking know her, she’s my sister for Christ’s sake–and if you “absolutely love” every guy in that house, then enlighten me again as to why you weren’t voted sweetheart? That’s what I thought. The best strategy to deal with this girl is the smile-and-nod, even though you are one, high-pitched “OHMIGOD!!!” away from branding this girl with a “DO LESS” tattoo across her forehead.

I Just Can’t
Then there are girls who are just fucking annoying. Whether she’s in your rival house, she’s Team Angelina, or she’s notorious for bringing an army of 14 girls into the two-stall bar bathroom with her, it’s fair to say that you’d get pleasure out of seeing this girl fall off an elevated surface. When she’s not busy stealing your alcohol or cutting you in line in a fraternity house bathroom because she’s “having an emergency,” you’ll find her complaining about her boyfriend to anyone who’s single within earshot. Her voice goes up eight octaves when she’s talking to someone of the opposite sex, and you can hear her obnoxiously fake laugh from a mile away. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines this girl as “the worst.”

If you haven’t caught on yet, the moral of this completely unstory-like story is that we all need to chill on the whole “hating each other” front. Joking about it (like this) from time to time is one thing, but not understanding the real reasoning behind your hatred is another. Admitting you’re jealous, impatient, or overprotective will earn you a lot more respect in the long run than talking shit behind people’s backs. Start meditating, go see a shrink, hire a hot yoga teacher, or whatever you need to do to relax a little bit. If that doesn’t work, go get yourself a prescription for Xanax and a vibrator. Namaste.

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com

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