4 Reasons SoulCycle Is For The Soulless (An Introduction For The Uninitiated)

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If you’re unfamiliar with SoulCycle, it’s a workout class that makes Pure Barre look like exercise for plump poors, which I didn’t think was possible. It involves spinning to nowhere in a pitch black room for what feels like eternity. You drop $33 per class–but there’s a $3,500 package if you feel ambitious–for the pleasure, so it’s kind of spensies. It only exists in New York and L.A., which means being an active member of the cult means you’re probably a real life version of a character on “Gossip Girl” or the “The O.C.” (basically, my eternal dream).

If you love the loud, thumping beats of techno at night clubs but you also appreciate being stone cold sober at raves and parties, SoulCycle is the workout for you. It involves an obscene amount of pedaling in the dark, so no one can see you. You expect stranger danger to sneak up behind you to grind at any second. Before I even began my SoulCycle, I received an e-mail to only bring positive energy. Unfortunately, my energy usually consists of snark and vodka.

Sometimes I can’t believe I spend exorbitant amounts of money on such sadistic activities. I pay gobs of money for a small, foreign lady to rip hair off of me and I paid even more for the pleasure of almost dying while bicycling. But, if you’re a glutton for punishment (and an EDM fan) SoulCycle is the cult exercise for you. Here are four reasons why.

1. Penetration is (almost) involved.
If you’re looking to get it in, this is the class for you. No, I don’t mean because you’ll be so fit everyone will want to bone you–I mean the bike’s seat is ready for business. While you focus on sliding up and down and all around, make sure not to thoroughly injure your pikachu.

2. Loud music in the dark makes it like your favorite bar, minus the DFMOs.
For me, personally, the best part of a dark bar is the potential for inhaling an obscene amount of alcohol and meeting the perfect DFMO. SoulCycle involves darkness and loud music, but none of the fun things. It also involves candles, but that doesn’t trick anyone into thinking it’s more romantic, unfortunately. It would be like bringing your own candles to the gynecologist–it might be dim lighting, but you’re not fooling anybody.

3. You need to look your best to sweat obscenely.
Usually while working out, I like to look like a person, because you never know who you’ll see. I’ll dab at my face, grab a water, and maybe take a quick bathroom break. During SoulCycle, I was wiping down my whole body. It’s the type of sweat you experience when numerous tequila shots try to leave your body all at once (I can only assume, obviously). By the end, I was wiping down everything and finding sweat in places I never knew could get sweaty. Despite the fact that you leave looking wrecked (mentally and physically) Lulu is a must and a half. Disregard the fact that you’ll look like a drowned opossum when you leave and drop beaucoup bucks on the leggings of your dreams.

4. You’re going nowhere fast.
I mean, you’re biking your way to summertime skinny, but there’s nothing to see. If I’m going to bike anywhere, I want a view. Unfortunately, the real problem is that I don’t want to bike anywhere, ever. If I was actually into biking, I would be so physically fit I wouldn’t need SoulCycle–and I certainly wouldn’t feel like it could potentially give me a heart attack while the Demi Lovato song of the same name plays.

Image via Soul Cycle

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Fleur de Lilly

Fleur de Lilly (@margaretabrams) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and Post Grad Problems. When she's not corrupting her big's baby, she can be found decoding texts, gravitating towards raised surfaces, and spending time with her gentleman caller, Jack Daniels. She loves Lilly, Louisiana, and her lineage.

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