It’s here. Annual Get-Grilled-About-Your-Sad-Pathetic-Love-Life-By-All-Of-Your-Over-50-Year-Old-Relatives Day! Oh wait, I guess it’s actually called Thanksgiving? What are you supposed to be thankful for this year? Your mediocre GPA? Your dwindling bank account? What about your lack of a suitable boyfriend? Well, lucky for you, I have the answer for knocking one of those bad boys off of your not-so-thankful list. Who needs a real boyfriend when you have the best imaginary boyfriend around? Just go ahead and choose your favorite from my list. You know that Aunt Phyllis is going to ask, you might as well have an answer ready.
The College Athlete
“So tell me. Is there a nice young man in your life?” Cue the eye roll. Plaster that smile on your face and confidently answer “Yep! You know that football player who scored three touchdowns last weekend? I’m dating him! We met in our sports marketing class which I just absolutely loooooove and we have been going steady ever since!” Okay, so you’re obviously not taking a sports marketing class, and you’ve never said “steady” before in your life, but your great aunt is too old to even know what sports marketing is and everyone else is too drunk on red wine or tryptophan to care. As for the extravagant lie that you’re dating someone you have barely managed to run into at the most crowded bar on campus? Well, Phyllis will be too excited that you’re dating a low-key celebrity to realize you’re lying out of your perfectly bleached ass.
The High School Ex-Boyfriend
This one is easy. Everyone knows him. They all love him (read: hate his guts), so they will simply tell you how happy they are for you and you can all move on with your lives and focus on clearly the more important part of the night, seeing how many times you can clear your plate before your food embryo becomes a full-on food baby. Just remember to fill your older brother in ahead of time so he doesn’t leave halfway through dinner to go over to your ex’s house and beat him senseless with a turkey carcass. Or just let it happen. Whatever.
The Instagram Model
What’s the appeal here? Well, duh, he’s majorly hot. You’ve spent enough time stalking him to know his favorite color, food, and his best friend’s sister’s cousin’s dog’s name. Answering questions about your favorite things to do as a couple is a no-brainer. “We joined a Crossfit gym together and spend most of our time working out while holding hands. When we’re not at the gym, we can be found out on the town eating kale salads and drinking green power smoothies!” You’re golden here because old people don’t get sarcasm. Like, I think that’s just a scientific fact. Besides, everyone will be too mesmerized by his abs and his V lines that they will stop listening as soon as you hand over your phone. I see you, Aunt Phyllis.
The Gay Best Friend
This guy is probably the only one you can convince to make an actual appearance at your Thanksgiving dinner. Bribe him with appletinis and a Ryan Renolds movie marathon or whatever means are necessary. He dressed up as Danny Zucko from Grease that one time for your dynamic duos date event so you know he’s capable of pulling off the rugged stud look. Dress him up like your dream guy, popped polo collar and all. Prep him on how Aunt Phyllis will try to kiss him on the lips and then feed him just enough apple cider sangria necessary to make him talk football with your dad all night. Your family might be a little skeptical or confused, but at least you’ll have someone there to remind you that two pieces of pumpkin pie are enough.
No matter who you choose, don’t head home alone. Everyone knows imaginary boyfriends make the best boyfriends..