4 Essential Freshman Year Learning Experiences


1. Going Out On A Monday Night

Yes, give in to your friends begging you. If you don’t go out with them on said Monday, you’ll probably be left out of tons of inside jokes and miss a crazy night to recap to all your friends back home. Plus, you need to seize every opportunity possible to go out and check on the guy you’re secretly in love with (it’s not a secret, we all know) by going to that frat party in case he, I don’t know, happens to be there (he lives there — of course he’s there).

Tuesday morning in class you’ll hate yourself because you’re wearing sunglasses and you’re cold, clammy and about to vomit in the trash can you “conveniently” sat next to. You’ll complain about how hungover you are in a group text with your best friends and feel slightly better knowing they’re all suffering the same fate as you. Get some sleep while you can, and rest up for Wednesday-Saturday.

2. Trying To Come Up With The Perfect Mixer Costume

You don’t want guys staring at your chest all night, you want to meet new people who appreciate you for your personality! Definitely pick a costume for the theme that’s humorous, yet intelligent. All of the guys will understand it and think you’re witty!

Wrong. Nobody wants to talk to the chick dressed as a mathlete who brought a calculator to a sports themed mixer. You’ll come to learn that guys staring at your chest all night means free drinks, lots of attention, and nobody cares when you blackout and dance on the bar (allegedly). Do you wonder why your friends are getting all the attention? It’s because they’re wearing half the clothing you are…and they didn’t bring a calculator.

3. Getting Set Up With An Older Guy… A Much Older Guy

Did somebody say fourth year? Uh yes, you’ll go with him formal. No, you’ve never met him but look at his Facebook he is sooooo cute. Plus, Ashley’s boyfriend is in that fraternity so you’ll just hang out with her all night if things get awkward!

If a senior year is dateless, it’s for a reason. If he’s hot and an upperclassman, then there’s really a reason. He gonna get blackout drunk, yell at the bartender, stumble onto the bus and tries to make out with your ear the entire ride home. You’ll be making subtle signals for Ashley to come rescue you but she’s engrossed in her boyfriend’s face at that moment. Looks like you’re on your own.

4. Using Your Fake I.D.

This is college, remember? There are no rules or parents there to stop you. College is its own little magical place where you can do whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell you want, and nobody can stop you. Example A: you can use your Fake I.D. at the bar for your mixer, and the bouncer won’t care because you’re cute, and your sorority rented out the entire bar for the night. Drinks, anyone?

First mistake: Bouncers do care. If your fake is good enough to get in the door, then props to you and put it away because you have a wristband and now can hold drinks. Second mistake: Not putting it away and buying drinks at the bar. Most bartenders don’t care, but do you know who does? Your risk management. They see you at the bar, and they know you are a freshman. They will rip the wristband off your arm, confiscate your drink, and send you to your judicial board. Just hit the pregame hard and ride that throughout the night, don’t try to pull anything at the venue.

I guarantee, though, that you will make at least one of these mistakes by the time your freshman year is over. Hopefully, it’ll be a funny story to tell, and not at your expense. Or, it’ll be a funny story for other people to tell at your expense. But that’s what freshman year is for — making mistakes and learning from them, and then warning your little not to make the same mistakes but laughing at her when she inevitably does. Don’t say you weren’t warned!

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