37 Things You Should Never Tell Your Significant Other


At risk of being judged, I will be the first to shamelessly admit that me and my significant other pee in front of each other. When I admit that, some people look at me as if I owned up to eating my boyfriends shit while wearing a gorilla suit. If that’s your thing I’m certainly not judging, but that being said, there are some lines that should certainly not be crossed in relationships. I don’t care if you and your significant other are standing at the alter or just matched five minutes ago on Bumble. Some things are meant to be secrets for a reason and you should NEVER for ANY reason WHATSOEVER tell your significant other.

  1. His favorite shirt is out of style.
  2. His favorite sports team is “stupid.”
  3. Your ex was a better bone.
  4. He’s gained weight.
  5. Your friends are slutting it up (Read: Birds of a feather flock together).
  6. Your parents hate him.
  7. You “used to” have Chlamydia.
  8. You don’t drink beer.
  9. You danced on the bar at the club.
  10. The party you’re going to (that he’s not invited to) is slutty school girl themed.
  11. You don’t know who Steph Curry is.
  12. ..or Johnny Manziel.
  13. You want to be a trophy wife.
  14. Basically anything about your vagina and/or its problems.
  15. You don’t consider him one of your top three best friends.
  16. That you spent more money on your birthday present to yourself than on his birthday gift.
  17. Your “number.”
  18. You hate his mother.
  19. You’ve cheated on past boyfriends.
  20. You hate cooking.
  21. You are going to a rival fraternity’s party.
  22. You don’t want him to watch porn.
  23. “I’m cumming!” (if you’re really not)
  24. You’ve masturbated to other guys.
  25. You’ve made a sex tape with another guy.
  26. You hate his best friend.
  27. He sucks at cooking.
  28. You have an Instagram account for your cats.
  29. You tune him out when he talks about sports.
  30. He’s a bad “gift giver.”
  31. You only have guy friends (because “you don’t get along with girls”).
  32. You can outdrink him.
  33. You hate his dog.
  34. You think his roommate is hot.
  35. …or his brother.
  36. His fraternity is bottom tier.
  37. You’re pregnant (unless you know for sure).

Not that I condone dishonesty in the slightest but if any of these topics come up, lie away, bitch.

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My life is pretty much one big awkward embarrassing moment. Dream-self is a cross between Amy Schumer and Serena Van der Woodsen. I like LITs a little too much and am standards board's worst nightmare. If you don't party on Tuesdays then what's the point of college..? Feel free to email me funny stories and Memes because I love to laugh and there's a chance I might be able to make you laugh too. xo

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