37 Skills That You Could Put On Your Résumé, But Totally Shouldn’t


I’m not going to lie, being professional is actually super hard. You need to wear those awful wide-legged pantsuits while avoiding low-key sexual harassment from that creepy guy in the office. Oh, and you can’t forget a killer résumé. But what to put on it?

  1. Being able to drink an entire bottle of wine alone.
  2. And helping your friend finish hers.
  3. Jumping to conclusions.
  4. The ability to shove an entire package of fruit snacks in your mouth.
  5. Flawless drunk texting.
  6. Using curse words excessively.
  7. Creating the perfect playlist for any occasion.
  8. Or Instagram caption.
  9. Or subtweet.
  10. Or a clever/cute Facebook album name.
  11. Having a perfect combination of passive-aggressiveness and sarcasm.
  12. Being able to spot a fuckboy from a mile away.
  13. Pretending you have your shit together.
  14. Giving drunk pep talks to random girls in bar bathrooms.
  15. Being fluent in emojis.
  16. Quoting movies at inappropriate times.
  17. Navigating 40+ weeks back in someone’s Instagram without incident.
  18. Perfecting matching a spirit jersey to your norts.
  19. “Forgetting” to count the calories of that ice cream you just ate.
  20. Ugly crying.
  21. Finding the most fun dates for sorority functions.
  22. Spending money that you don’t have.
  23. Avoiding any and all responsibilities.
  24. Discretely rolling your eyes when annoyed.
  25. Bitching about your problems.
  26. Drinking alarming amounts of coffee.
  27. Texting faster than you can talk.
  28. Hiding how hungover you are.
  29. Having an unhealthy amount of water bottles.
  30. Not washing off your makeup before bed.
  31. Crafting basically any hard surface.
  32. Stealing shirts/sweatshirts/sweatpants from boys.
  33. Overusing the word “like.”
  34. Planning your entire wedding with a guy you just met.
  35. Sorority-squatting for every picture.
  36. Binge-watching Netflix.
  37. Effectively friend-zoning.

Although most of these things are considered to be valuable abilities among college girls, maybe you should just keep these to yourself.

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There's a pretty good chance I'm being sarcastic right now.

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