Maybe one day you’ll learn, but that day is not today…or likely tomorrow…or really anytime soon. As Katy Perry says, “This Friday night, we’ll do it all again.” #SorryStandards
1. Woke up on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a sticky bra and Spanx.
2. Called your mom when the DJ played “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.” You thought you were being cute. She thought you were being drunk.
3. Got in a fight with your sort of, kind of, maybe so, not really, it’s-only-in-your-head boyfriend.
4. Inadvertently tweeted a photo of something illegal. Sorry NSA. Please don’t tell my dad.
5. Convinced yourself that cheap tequila is just as good as premium tequila.
6. Started a tab…using your father’s credit card.
7. Fell in your heels. In front of a lot of people. Likely down the stairs.
8. Sucked face with a stranger. Kudos if the sucking stopped there.
9. Snuck off to the ladies room and hysterically cried to a bathroom attendant named Felicity.
10. Tipped her $40 for being “such a good listener.”
11. Ordered a round of shots for your group of 33, because you felt a spiritual and emotional connection to each and every one of them. Plus, #shots.
12. Spilled secrets you shouldn’t spill…to people you shouldn’t have been talking to in the first place.
13. Had a bar tab that could double as a car payment.
14. Expected to meet your future husband. Or even just a future boyfriend.
15. Lost your jacket.
16. And probably your wallet.
17. And most definitely your phone.
18. Threw up in a taxi…or a pledge’s car. Same difference.
19. Gained bruises from your dance floor tumbles.
20. Gained a bruised ego from your drunk text fumbles.
21. Behaved like the girl that everyone hates.
22. Lost one of your besties at last call. You swore you wouldn’t let her go home with her ex. She’s currently not speaking to you.
23. Used the phrase “blackout or back out!” every other minute.
24. Requested “Wrecking Ball” seventeen times and got banned from entering the DJ booth ever again.
25. Got separated from the group and couldn’t hail a cab. You rode home in a pizza delivery boy’s car.
26. Continued drinking after the bars. Always seems like such a good idea — it never is.
27. Played this really fun game where you tried to remember all of your ex-boyfriend’s phone numbers.
28. Left 7 drunk voicemails and sent 43 drunk texts. All of which were unadvised, unwarranted, unwelcome, and unanswered.
29. Drank anything that originally came in a plastic bottle with a twist off cap.
30. Tried showing your library card as your ID. You honestly couldn’t tell the difference.
31. Got in a fight with the bouncer when he questioned whether you were too drunk to be there.
32. Emailed your dad at 4am telling him “tHeiress A giod chaNce I 0verdrafffteD MY acc0ungtt. LOVe u.”
33. Got in a fight with a girl in your rival sorority. Not a fist fight, mind you, but she said “bless your heart” and you told her to fuck herself. Whatever.
34. YouTubed The Notebook and Titanic because you felt like having a good cry.
35. Drunk ate Taco Bell, McDonalds, and Burger King. In one night, you consumed more than an Olsen twin eats in a year.
36. Woke up in a strange apartment…in a strange zip code.
37. Had the attitude of zero fucks given. Thursday, we’re coming for you.