The only thing people love more than sex (or stuffed-crust pizza) is oral sex. Receiving, not giving because come on. I’m not a monster. When someone is going down on you, you get to lay back, daydream about Chris Hemsworth, and just take it. But little did you (or I, or any of us sexually-crazed folks) know, there’s a lot more to oral than just slobbering all over someone’s junk. Here are some of the most interesting, alarming, and weird AF things you really know to know about oral. Trust me, your boyfriend/girlfriend/FWB will thank you.
- Fellatio is the technical term used to describe oral contact with the penis.
Because nothing sounds as appealing as “oral contact with a penis.”
- And the word comes from the Latin verb fellāre, meaning “to suck.”
Thanks for that, Latin. Thanks.
- Cunnilingus describes oral contact with the clitoris, vulva, or vaginal opening.
If you ever want to feel awkwardly unsexy, just ask a guy to give you “cunnilingus.” Which sounds more like an STD than something that makes your toes curl.
- That word comes from the Neo-Latin words for the vulva (cunnus — which is also where the word cunt comes from!) and tongue (lingua).
If “cunnilingus” doesn’t creep you out, then the word “vulva” should do the trick.
- Anilingus refers to oral contact with the anus.
Also fondly known as rimming, rim job, or “tossing salad.”
- And I imagine the term comes from the combination of anus and tongue.
Because yes. Eating ass needs a technical, science-y sounding name. Obviously.
- Over 80 percent of sexually active (ugh what a phrase) people ages 15-44 say that’ve had oral sex at least once with a partner of the opposite sex.
And the other 20 percent don’t know what they’re missing.
- “Blow job” came from the word “blowsy,” which was slang for a prostitute (which came from the word “blow”). The word blow during the same period was slang for ejaculation.
So you know. We’re basically just prostitutes who have a job to do. Cool. Thanks guys.
- In ancient Greece, it was known as playing the flute.
Because it’s almost as beautiful as making sweet, delightful music?
- Bats give oral too.
If you didn’t feel weird enough about sucking on another thing’s genitals, just take comfort in the fact that flying rodent-looking creatures do it too.
- But humans are the only species creative enough to 69.
The least favorite, and most awkward of the sexual positions. Great job, homo sapiens. Great job.
- Speaking of “69,” the term was first seen in France during the 1790s.
French kissing. The menage a trois. Crepes. What didn’t the French give us?
- And the term was created by a lady named Theroigne de Mericourt.
She was also known for writing a series of books called “Whore’s Catechisms,” for showing up to meetings of parliament for the sole purpose of heckling people, and for wearing a riding crop, gun, and sword in public at all times. She also refused to wear clothes. So like, she gets it.
- The HIV transmission risk for oral sex is significantly lower than it is for vaginal (and anal) counterparts.
Like your grandma always said, “Oral sex is safe sex.”
- Foods such as kiwi, celery, and pineapple can make genital secretion sweet.
What flavor of cum would you like today? Tropical fruit or vegetable medley?
- Dairy products, meat, and alcohol are generally thought to worsen the taste.
So basically everything that tastes good makes us taste bad. Awesome.
- Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy receiving and giving oral sex.
Because a well-educated lady knows that the key to getting him down on his knee, is to get down on hers.
- A teaspoon of semen contains five calories.
Sorry guys. I’m on a no-semen diet.
- Only one man in 400 is flexible enough to give himself oral sex.
But 400 out of 400 have tried at least once.
- A guy will ejaculate an average of 7,200 times during his lifetime.
But trust me, he’ll aim for more.
- And the average number of times he’ll ejaculate from masturbation is 2,000.
I’m not sure if I find that sad or impressive. Either way, those right hands deserve some awards.
- The average speed of semen exiting his dong is 28 miles per hour.
In case you want to try to outrun it before it gets on you.
- No one knows how many women ejaculate during oral because most scientists think that the female orgasm is a myth.
Okay, maybe not scientists. But definitely most guys ages 18-89.
- Approximately 30 percent of women have orgasms from vaginal intercourse as opposed to the 1000000 percent of men.
Just remember, boys: When it doubt, get your tongue out.
- Only 55 percent of men ages 20-24 say that they’ve given oral in the past year.
What the actual fuck is the other 45 percent of them doing? Saying no? Not returning the favor? Avoiding the vagina like it’s a clam trap of death?
- Whereas 74 percent of women ages 20-24 have given oral in the past year.
So 19 percent more of us are going down. What’s that? Guys complaining about how they never get blow-jays? OH KAY.
- Oral sex during pregnancy is safe. However, you shouldn’t blow air into the vagina during oral. It may cause an air embolism-air bubble trapped in a blood vessel-which can be harmful to the baby.
Whatever you do, don’t blow it.
- There are cave drawings of women giving men blowies.
So guys haven’t matured since the time we were cave people? Not shocking at all.
- In an old myth, the Egyptian god, Osiris, is hacked up to death but is reassembled by his faithful wife, who “blows life” back into him through his reconstructed penis.
This is where all of the guys say “See? It saves lives!”
- Speaking of Osiris, his father, the Earth god Geb, made appearances sucking his own penis because apparently it’s a superpower.
Like father like son. Doing anything for a beej must run in the fam.
- It’s illegal to give blow jobs in Malaysia.
So what do they do? Just watch Netflix and have lazy, drunken, vaginal sex? Moving there tomorrow.
- Your lips become plump and kissable when you go down on someone.
So this is the secret to Kylie’s lips? Makes total sense.
- Spit, or lube, makes everything better for literally everyone during every type of sex.
Hell is a place where everyone has dry sex. Trust me. It’s in the Bible. I think.
- 60 percent of women prefer to give blow jobs over hand jobs.
The only reason is because hand jobs are a literal arm workout. The only thing worse than giving a blow jay is working out.
- And 100 percent of guys prefer blow jobs to no blow jobs.
And 100 percent of girls don’t really give AF.
- But literally every girl would prefer no blow jobs, no hand jobs, and no real jobs, ever (JK on the last one. Careers are cool, I guess).
Can’t we just eat Chipotle and cuddle? Until that day comes, I guess we’ll all just have to suck it for the people we love (or love to bang). Like literally suck it up. Get it?
Want to read more dirty things? Of course you do, you nasty. Check out the links below to get your sexy knowledge fill. And if anyone asks, you’re learning, okay?.
Learn about penises!
Or maybe orgasms?
Nah, you seem like a plain ol’ sex kind of person.
Oh? No? I was wrong? Threesomes it is!
Or how about the classic, and classy, vagina?
Well, there’s always boobs.
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