The sausage pocket. The guarded slot. The Fuckingham Palace. Our lady parts have been the target of many nicknames, jokes, and raunchy guys’ fantasies for, well, ever. Even though it’s the control center of this whole “being a female” thing, most of us don’t know shit about it. Personally, I blame the “look at your vagina with a handheld mirror” thing. None of us walked away from that experience the same way. It’s ironic, though, because despite the fact that we don’t know much about it, it kind of runs shit. So, in my quest to educate the (horny) masses about everything sex related, I’ve decided to journey into le vag’s unknown territory. We’ve seen the dicks. We’ve fondled the boobs. We’ve romped in the bedroom. And now it’s time to enter the lady cave. May the vagina puns be ever in our favor.
- Women who have given birth have a darker labia minora (the little flappy things) than women who haven’t.
Because nothing says “motherhood” like a droopy, discolored vagina.
- Women who read romance novels tend to have twice as many sex partners as those who don’t.
I’m looking at you, Fifty Shades of Grey readers.
- There are about 1,000 recognized nicknames for “vagina” in the English language.
Including but not limited to: the bearded clam, the otter’s pocket, and, my personal favorite, the old wizard’s sleeve.
- The clitoris contains twice as many nerve fibers as the penis, giving us a total of 8,000 oh-my-God-that-feels-so-good sensors.
You might get off faster, guys, but we get off better.
- Menstrual cramps can actually make you orgasm.
As opposed to just making you eat literally everything in sight and cry over Subaru commercials.
- The G-spot was almost called the whipple tickle.
Because nothing says “sexy” like uttering the phrase, “Oh baby, yeah, right there. It feels so good when you hit my whipple tickle.”
- Women are more likely to orgasm just before or during their period.
Just think of it as extra lubricant…that’s red. And makes the whole situation look like something from Law and Order: SVU.
- The vibrator was originally designed in the nineteenth century as a medication to combat the anxiety-related symptoms of “hysteria.”
Wait. Can this, like, still be a thing? Asking for a friend.
- And “hysteria” was just a mumbo-jumbo doctor name for your period.
Considering how bad my PMS is, hysteria is kind of an accurate description.
- The nerve endings in the clitoris extend out to where the pubic hair grows, which is why dry humping feels so damn good.
Throw on some Nickelback and add the boyfriend’s couch, and it’s like high school all over again.
- Your diet may actually affect how things smell down there, especially if you eat something sweet or…pungent.
Think twice about those garlic rolls. They don’t only make your breath smell. (I’m so sorry.)
- Your vagina expands during sex. It’s called vaginal tenting, and basically the inner two-thirds of your vagina increase (in length and width) when you’re hot and bothered.
That’s why we can hook up with all of the well-endowed guys in the world. You know, the, like, five who actually need Magnums (we know you’re liars, boys).
- About a third of women have and can recall orgasming in their sleep.
So you’re saying there’s something better than the drunken, dead-to-the-world pass out? #Goals
- And if you’re not one of the lucky ladies getting off in your sleep, never fret! Every woman becomes regularly aroused up to five times a night, thanks to that whole REM thing.
That explains why I dream about Channing Tatum, like, five times a night.
- Your lady cave is actually self-cleaning.
This is why it’s called a pussy. You know…like the cat?
- And there is actually more bacteria in your mouth than in your vagina (unless you’re a dirty, dirty girl).
Less mouth kissing, more rug munching.
- The vagina has a pH level around 4.5 (acidic) whereas semen has a pH around eight. (#basic. No, really. It’s basic.) This is nature’s way of keeping everything nice and neutral in there so that the little
life ruinerssemen swimmers can survive.
These are the types of things we should learn in chemistry class.
- Being wet doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re turned on. You could also be ovulating, which is when you’re the most “lubricated” during your cycle of vaginal pain.
Hellooooo, accidental pregnancies.
- By the way, the vagina doesn’t have any lubrication glands, so that “wetness” you’re feeling? It’s actually plasma escaping from the lining of your vaginal walls.
Because bleeding out of our vaginas wasn’t enough, now we’re squirting plasma everywhere? What the actual fuck?
- Women get erections. Seriously. Your clitoris swells, becomes more sensitive, and increases in size when you’re feeling all sexual-like.
You literally get a lady boner.
- Menstrual blood contains stem cells, which might actually save lives. Research is taking place to see if our monthly blood offerings can help patients with heart failure.
And what exactly has semen done, besides end up in places it shouldn’t (our face, our hair, our roommate’s mouth)?
- Roughly one in 5,000 female babies are born without a vagina.
Honestly, though, they should just do a timeshare. They can totally use mine when I’m on the last week of my birth control pack. Just throwing that out there, babies.
- The longest female pubic hair on record was twenty-eight inches long.
And no, it wasn’t Anastasia Steele’s, despite all of the, uh, evidence.
- The world record for most female orgasms was 134 times in one hour.
I’ll have three of whatever vibrator she used.
- The word “vagina” comes from the Latin root meaning “sheath for a sword.”
You’ll never guess what the sword is in this metaphor (hint: it’s a dick).
- Only about 30 percent of women get off from intercourse alone. Most ladies who do orgasm during sex have figured out how to hit their whipple tickle or work their hands on their lady boner.
Literally, it’s like we have to do everything around here.
- Pubic hair is there to not only protect your vag, but it also “traps the scents that lure in mates.”
Die alone or smelly snatch? Smelly snatch or die alone? I pick die alone.
- The most common penis-shaped object that ladies use to masturbate with is a candle.
No wonder candles are always in movies to “set the mood.” I’ve been using them all wrong.
- You can catch sexually transmitted diseases even if you use a condom.
This is great, because it’s not like we were using them anyway.
- What do sharks and our vaginas have in common? They both contain “squalene,” which is a natural lubricant for us.
Not to mention the fact that we’re both man-eaters.
- Your vagina is like a sock. It doesn’t connect to anything in the body, so if you lose something in there, don’t worry. It’s not actually lost.
Next time you misplace your phone, that’s the first place you should probably check.
- But, your vagina can fall out. It can literally turn inside out and hang between your legs as you get older. It’s called pelvic prolapse, and it is your actual worst nightmare.
Yeah. You read that right. I don’t know if I’m alone in this, but NO ONE told me this could happen. Where the fuck was this information when I was in the womb and decided to be a female. Talk about fucking fine print. First the periods. Then the emotions. Now this? Like, what did we do wrong?
- Approximately 30 to 40 percent of women develop some presentation of pelvic prolapse in their lifetime, usually following menopause.
That’s it. I give up..
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