32 Thoughts Every Girl Has While Buying Plan B

32 Thoughts Every Girl Has While Buying Plan B

  1. This is the most awkward car ride of my life. Should I say something? Should I wait for him to say something? I’ll just check Twitter.
  2. Aw, he let me go in through the sliding automatic door first. That’s so chivalrous…kind of.
  3. Why in the world is this aisle labeled “family planning”? I’m already sweating enough here, people.
  4. Oh, of course this is sandwiched between the pregnancy tests, condoms, and tampons. Of COURSE it is.
  5. Oh well, better get one of each, just in case.
  6. Hahaha. His eyes got so big when I picked up the pregnancy test. Hahaha. This is fun.
  7. Oh wait. I might be pregnant. This isn’t fun anymore.
  8. Wait. This is $50? You’ve got to be kidding me.
  10. What if I get the off-brand? Is that, like, Plan C?
  11. So I won’t be able to pay rent, my credit card bill, or my utilities. But at least I won’t be pregnant.
  12. Why is it in this enormous case? Walking a giraffe through here would be less conspicuous.
  13. Here, let me just buy seventeen bags of candy to throw on top of it in this basket. Maybe no one will notice.
  14. Yeah, I’m walking you down the clearance Valentine’s Day aisle, buddy. Get me any of this and you’re dead.
  15. Actually, get me all of it. I need love.
  16. And sex. Wait. That’s why I’m here in the first place. Never mind.
  17. Why is this cranky cashier judging me? No, I’m not wearing a wedding ring. Deal with it.
  18. Oh no, maybe I gave her too much bitch face. Please still let me buy this. Please.
  19. How hard is it to get this plastic case open?????
  20. Oh God. She summoned help. Over the intercom. This is my nightmare.
  21. Am I paying for this or is he? AM I PAYING FOR THIS OR IS HE?
  22. I’m just going to stare him down at the register until he pulls out his wallet. Stare. Him. Down.
  23. Yes! He reached for his wallet. Have fun buying all of this candy I threw in the basket, too, suckaaaaa.
  24. I should have tossed in The Knot while I was at it. Make him sweat a little.
  25. Why is he staring me down like this while I open the package? What, do you think I’m not going to take it? I don’t want to be pregnant, either, you asshole.
  26. Whoa. Why do you need so many directions for this one tiny pill? And why is it in such a huge box? This doesn’t make any sense at all.
  27. What does it mean that it’s more effective the sooner you take it? Should I have taken this last night?? It is NOON for crying out loud.
  28. I’m never making him buy me breakfast first again.
  29. Whatever. I’m probably not pregnant.
  30. I’m just going to cry every day that I don’t have my period. Even if it’s not supposed to come for another three weeks.
  31. Ugh. This was the most panic-inducing thing that could possibly happen to me.
  32. So…are we doing this again next weekend or what?

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RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at

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