Pop the cherry. Deflower. Cut the cake. Split the cup. Whatever you want to call it, it’s all the same. That hasty, awkward, rip-of-a-Band-Aid that is your virginity. Whether it happened when you were sixteen and skipping school, eighteen and just getting back from prom, with your college boyfriend, or your still waiting for it to come (LOL), we can all agree: virginity is a life changer. So while most of us are glad that we left our V-cards behind long ago, we have to respect what a huge impact our virginities had on our lives, and thank them for what they gave us: hot, dirty, nasty sex.
- The term “virgin” means “young shoot.”
For an unused, growing thing. You know, like a virgin’s penis.
- But for the longest time, the word only applied to women.
Because no one really gives AF if a guy is a virgin. Unless, of course, you’re sleeping with him.
- In ancient Rome “vestal virgins” were required to keep their hymens intact as proof of virginity until they were thirty. If they didn’t they would be buried alive.
A little harsh.
- Pearls are a symbol of female virginity and purity.
Which would explain why so many guys want to give us pearl necklaces.
- Genetics play a role when it comes to the age you lose the big “V.”
Chances are it runs in the fam. Sorry.
- The unicorn has traditionally been a symbol of virginity and according to legend, only virgins could tame them.
No wonder we think unicorns don’t exist. It’s not their fault, we’re just sluts.
- While flowers in general are associated with female sexuality (since they kind of look like vags) the lily is most closely associated with virginity.
This must be why boys only give girls flowers when they’re trying to get some. Makes sense. (Writer’s note: and it works)
- Early Renaissance literature basically said that the more she talked the more likely it was that she would open her legs.
Uh, that’s called “flirting.”
- Oh, and if she talked a lot and lost her virginity, she most likely had problems controlling her bladder.
Because, ancient science.
- Orthodox Jews believe that the slate of a sexually experienced woman is wiped clean when she has a traditional wedding.
So that white dress ISN’T a lie.
- But actually, white wedding dresses didn’t symbolize virginity. Blue ones were actually a sign of purity.
Which explains none of us wear blue dresses, amiright?
- Twenty-eight percent of guys claimed they were depressed after giving their virginity to a girl who didn’t care about them.
I bet they thought strippers liked them too.
- The presence/absence of the hymen is not a good proof of “innocence.”
A lot of girls break their hymen before thanks to swimming, athletics, or already losing their virginities and lying about it.
- Back in the day, a bride’s family would display blood stained sheets as proof of virginity in public. If the bride could not display bloodied sheets, she was stoned to death.
That’s what you get for doing your laundry.
- Katharine of Aragon kept her bloodied wedding sheets for years as proof of her virginity and used them as evidence during her divorce from Henry VIII.
You never know what might get you 50 percent of everything he owns. Keep it and keep it all. Your settlement depends on it.
- An “Irish Virgin” is someone who is a virgin and is likely to remain a virgin.
AKA, ugly people.
- There were several ways to cheat virginity tests. Woman would have their maids spend the night with the groom, use chicken blood, or scratch their lady parts until they bled.
Wedding nights used to be so romantic.
- Rumor has it that the demand for hymenoplasty, or “re-virginiaton” is increasing in popularity.
Because losing your virginity once wasn’t bad enough.
- Folklore has historically credited virgins with magical powers.
Basically all of the virgins got Hogwarts letters. Thanks for the heads up, J.K.
- The Aztecs believed avocados were sexually powerful so virgins were banned from eating them.
No sex and no guac? What’s the point in living?
- Some Christian churches hold “purity balls.” These are formal dances where daughters pledge to their fathers that they will remain virgins until marriage and fathers promise to protect their daughter’s virtue.
These balls are also known as “hell” because nothing sounds worse than hanging out with my dad and talking about my virginity.
- On average, people worldwide give up the “V” at seventeen.
Which is the perfect age to skip school and have hasty, painful sex in the back of your parents’ borrowed car. Ah, young love.
- People who take virginity pledges are just as likely to get sexually transmitted diseases as the rest of us.
No matter what the Jonas brothers thought, your purity ring won’t save you from the clap.
- About thirty percent of people in the United States have had sex by the time they’re fifteen.
Kids these days.
- Chastity belts were around until the ’30s. They were put on teen girls to keep them virgins until marriage and to stop them from masturbating (which caused infertility and demonic possession, obviously).
Our vibrators are eternally grateful that those went out of style.
- Women who lose their virginities in their teens are more likely to divorce.
No prenup for me, thanks. Things aren’t looking promising.
- To prove that a girl was a virgin she had to show proof of bleeding, undergo an exam, demonstrate magical ability, and have a response to inhaled fumes.
Get high, do some magic, go to the doctor, and bleed? Psh, easy.
- The terms Roman engagement, brown berry, and crumpet are all slang for having anal with a virgin woman.
I’m so, so sorry.
- If you have a vagina, you will not orgasm when you lose your virginity.
Don’t trust “Fifty Shades.”
- And if you have a penis, you will orgasm in approximately three seconds when you lose your virginity.
Don’t mind us down here crying and bleeding. We didn’t even want to come.
- Many scholars agree virginity was an invented concept used to control female sexuality because women were often seen as commodities.
Equality and stuff, you know?
- “V card collecting” is a growing trend among teens who try to have sex with as many virgins as possible.
Because NOTHING is as sexy as that moment when you say goodbye to childhood and hello to sweaty bodies, long nights, and withholding sex to get your way..
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