It’s time for a wakeup call, ladies. I keep seeing it over and over. Girls are continuously getting hurt by guys who aren’t their boyfriends, and honestly, it’s time we stop blaming the boys. It’s not their fault. Guys are very simple creatures. There are no hidden meanings in their words or actions. But girls love to overanalyze text messages and read into every little thing, and in the end, it only convinces you of something that isn’t there.
Until you’ve actually gotten him to commit to being your boyfriend (and no, being “exclusive” without the title is not the same thing — that’s a cop out and you know it), he doesn’t owe you anything.
I think this concept is hard for us, because we’re all hopeless romantics at our core. We want him to want to commit. We want him to stop seeing other girls because he realizes we’re more important than all of them. This is how a lot of relationships start, but just because a guy opens a door for you or buys you dinner doesn’t mean he immediately locks down his penis and gives you the only key.
When you start seeing a guy who isn’t a complete asshole, you start to think that maybe it could be something more. It’s not just a “regular hookup.” Maybe he likes you the way that you like him, and maybe he’ll make it official soon. If your hookup does any of the things below, he’s probably a nice guy, but reminder: he’s still not your boyfriend.
- You have a “side” of the bed at his place.
It may seem like a big deal to you, but he slept on that other side of the bed before you started hooking up.
- He lets you decide what to watch on Netflix.
He’s tired and will probably fall asleep within ten minutes of you putting on “Gilmore Girls.” Don’t read too much into this.
- He texts you first.
How sad is it that we think a guy texting us first makes him some kind of hero? He’s not. It literally took the tiniest amount of effort for him to find your name and text “hey.”
- He’s really, really good at texting you back quickly.
Finding a guy who’s a good texter is nice, but you know what would be nicer? If he would stop texting other girls back, too.
- He hangs out with you during the day.
It means he finds you interesting outside of the bedroom, which is a start, but he’s still not your boyfriend.
- He holds your hand in public.
A hand hold doesn’t make you exclusive. You’re probably just walking too slow and he wants you to keep up.
- He calls you pet names.
He could just be one of those weird guys who calls every girl “babe,” or “sweetie,” or “honey.” Ick.
- He introduces you to his friends.
Wow, it’s so nice of him not to keep you chained up to his bed. Even if he wants you to hang out with his friends, it still doesn’t mean he’s ready to give up seeing other girls.
- You fall asleep without having sex.
Sometimes guys are tired. That’s it. It’s not intimate, it’s just him being too lazy to have sex.
- You spend multiple nights at his place.
You might think you’re no different than your friend who spends every night at her boyfriend’s place, but it’s very different. She’s in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with anyone but her. You’re not.
- You talk about your life, your hopes, and your fears.
If you spend enough time with someone, you’re eventually going to talk about more than just what you like in bed.
- He calls you on the phone.
He likes talking to you. That’s awesome. But this doesn’t mean he’s committed to you in any way.
- He Instagrams a picture of you two together.
Unless the caption mentions the word “girlfriend” or “relationship,” it’s just a picture. He’s thirsty for the likes, not a relationship with you.
- He posts a picture of you two hanging out on his Snapchat story.
It’s just social media. It doesn’t mean anything.
- He makes you breakfast.
He was probably going to make it for himself and didn’t want to seem like a dick by not offering you any.
- He asks you to be his date to formals and date events.
If he hangs out with you often (which again, means nothing), by bringing you to his events he’s guaranteed a good time and sex at the end of the night. Him bringing you just makes sense. It doesn’t, however, make you his girlfriend.
- You have inside jokes.
You’re friends. He is still not your boyfriend.
- He buys you dinner or drinks.
He’s a nice guy with a deep wallet, which could come in handy down the road, but just because he bought you a $20 pizza doesn’t mean he has to stop sleeping with other girls.
- You cuddle after sex.
That’s not a relationship, that’s oxytocin.
- You always go home together after a night out.
He doesn’t want to put in the effort of finding another girl to go home with, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to put in the effort of being in a relationship. He’s lazy, not committed.
- He makes you orgasm. Every. Single. Time.
He’s good at sex. Like, really, really good. But also maybe too good, since he doesn’t want to stop having sex with other girls.
- He lets you eat the last slice of pie.
If only an offering of the last slice of pie meant that he’s ready to be a one-woman guy, but alas, it doesn’t.
- He comes to you for advice.
He trusts your opinion, which could lead to more. It’s still not commitment.
- He buys you your favorite snacks.
He knows you. He knows what you like and how to make you happy, but don’t let that fool you into thinking he’s your boyfriend.
- He leaves a toothbrush at your place.
The toothbrush is not a metaphorical symbol for your relationship. It just means he has good hygiene and doesn’t want to have nasty breath in the morning.
- He still talks to you after you threw up on his couch.
It’s good to know a little vomit won’t scare him away, but he’s still not your boyfriend.
- He fights with you.
Couples have fights. Not-couples have fights, too. Unless your fight ends with him saying “I love you, I want to be with you,” he’s still not going to commit.
- You don’t wear makeup around him.
You can be yourself around him. He can’t give himself fully to you.
- He lets you drive his car.
Guys are weirdly protective over their cars, so this might seem like a bigger deal than it is, but he still doesn’t want to stop seeing other girls.
- He walks you to class.
He’s a gentleman among fuckboys, but he’s still not your boyfriend.
- He says a song reminds him of you.
This asshole. He’s trying to be the nice, sweet guy with feelings but he’s not ready to give up other girls. DON’T FALL FOR IT. RESIST.
- You have chemistry outside of the bedroom.
Good sign. It still means nothing until he makes it official.
- He says he won’t hook up with anyone else, but doesn’t want to be in a relationship.
This is NOT commitment. I repeat, this is NOT commitment. This is an easy way out if (and when) he hooks up with someone else and you find out. To him, it’s not considered cheating because you aren’t officially together. He doesn’t want to be tied down, but he doesn’t want to lose a solid thing. No guy is “afraid” of commitment. They just don’t want it. Don’t do this. Just don’t.
- He gets jealous.
You might think this means he cares about you, but don’t get it twisted — he doesn’t. He’s just a typical guy who wants to keep hooking up with other girls but doesn’t like it when you do the same.
Don’t get me wrong. All of these things can and do lead to commitment. You have to start somewhere in every relationship. But just because he does a few nice things for you and you enjoy spending time together doesn’t mean he owes you anything, or that your relationship is something serious. That’s just fine in the beginning, but if it’s been a few months of this and he hasn’t even entertained the idea of making it official, it may be time to reevaluate.
It doesn’t matter how much time you spend together or how much it “feels” like you’re a real couple. You aren’t. He’s not your boyfriend. If he sleeps with another girl on the one night when you aren’t together, you can’t really be mad about it. You can, and you should, cut him off and move on, but he didn’t really do anything wrong. You were wrong for expecting commitment just because he slept with you a few times and didn’t act like a complete asshole about it.
Just because he’s not a fuckboy who is constantly playing games and deceiving you doesn’t mean he’s not a boy. He still doesn’t want to be committed and doesn’t know how to communicate what he really wants or hurt your feelings.
You can be the “chill friends-with-benefits girl” if that’s really the kind of relationship you want, but don’t confuse kindness for commitment. All of those things listed above can make for a pretty nice arrangement if you don’t expect more. Especially in college, having a FWB who is a nice guy and doesn’t treat you like you’re just another wet hole is awesome. But if you’re looking for a boyfriend, or you happen to “catch feelings” for a guy who has told you repeatedly that he doesn’t want anything more, well, you need to listen..