31 Reasons Why Rob Gronkowski Would Be The Best Boyfriend Ever

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I’ll be the first to admit it: I don’t know shit about football. I’m not a die-hard Patriots fan, or even a bandwagon one at that. I didn’t post a Facebook status proclaiming “We did it!” last Sunday night, because truth be told, “we” didn’t do anything. In fact, I didn’t really even watch the game all that closely. For me, the best part about the Super Bowl was the Nationwide commercial that taught me never to bathe my children — and also the buffalo chicken dip. I learned that the Patriots and the Seahawks were playing in the Super Bowl about thirty minutes into the game when I glanced up from my phone, asked “Who’s playing, again?” and reminded my boyfriend to tell me when the puppy commercial came on. Like I said, I don’t really care about football. But that doesn’t mean I can’t care about the players. Because I do. I care about one in particular a whole helluva lot. Some might even venture to say that I love him — and those some people would be right. You know why? Because Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski is the most perfect human to ever walk God’s green earth.

  1. He doesn’t take himself seriously. Like, at all.

  2. Would someone who took himself seriously wear a Minion hat? No. No, he wouldn’t.
  3. Basically, Gronk’s just an all-around fun guy.
  4. And he loooooooooves alcohol.
  5. Like, a lot.

    gronk in a minion hat taking a shot of fireball. what else did you expect?! #worldchamps @patriots

    A video posted by maris_tagram (@maris_tagram) on

  6. Basically, the two of you could just be the drunken life of the party — which is all you’ve ever aspired to be, really.
  7. He’s apparently a genuinely nice guy.
  8. One who gives back to the community.
  9. And coaches young kids.

  10. And shaves his head for kids with cancer.

  11. Basically, he’s just a god. A god with a freaking sick, sick body.
  12. Really though, he’s cute AND nice? Swoon.
  13. He’s apparently pretty easygoing.
  14. This means that he would put up with your shit.
  15. Because let’s be real, you need someone who won’t bitch every time you put on a Real Housewives marathon.
  16. He enjoys erotic novels.
  17. Or, at the very least, he sees the humor in them.

  18. He’s a family man.
  19. Seriously. Just insert yourself in this photo and you’ve got the most American Christmas card ever.

  20. Ugh. He’s perfect.
  21. Also, he’s friends with Tom Brady.
  22. So, like, he could totally arrange a couples’ trip with Gisele.
  23. Just make sure you go skiing or something. No beaches, thankyouverymuch.
  24. Your future kids would be super athletic, which would be great because they’re sure as shit not getting that from you.
  25. An hour of sex with him would be a workout in and of itself. Goodbye, gym. Hello, orgasm.
  26. He loves his mom. Like, he loves her so much that he even brought her as his plus one to a taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live.
  27. Those moves.

  28. The two of you would just kill it on the dance floor.
  29. Really though. He’s just so funny and awkward.
  30. He’s like a big, muscular, drunk teddy bear.
  31. And we love him for it.
  32. Email this to a friend

    Catie Warren

    From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email:

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