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29 Thoughts Going Through Your Head When He Can’t Get It Up

29 Thoughts Going Through Your Head When He Can't Get It Up

1. And the time has come for your little man to make his debut.

2. Button-fly? Kill me now. If parents want to prevent their children from hooking up, they should just buy them button-fly pants. These things are like sex repellents.

3. Okay, yeah. You just take care of this.

4. This is not what I was expecting. Bummer.

5. When I said your “little man,” I didn’t mean that little.

6. No big deal. I like a challenge.

7. Wait. No, I don’t. You’re supposed to be immediately moved to erection by my mere existence. This is horse shit.

8. Maybe an aggressive makeout session with some intense dry-humping will do the trick.

9. That was utterly useless. Dry-humping never does the trick.

10. I’m going to rock you like a shake weight.

11. Come on, man!

12. I’m TOUCHING your penis right now, and it’s like it doesn’t even know I’m here.

13. Or maybe your penis DOES know I’m here, but wishes I wasn’t?!

14. Fuck you, for thinking you have this impenetrable tolerance. Seventeen beers does not agree with anyone, and now the only thing that’s impenetrable is me.

15. Honestly, I did not come all the way back to this shitty house, to your disgusting bedroom, to sleep in your twin sized bed and NOT have sex. I’m just not that kind of girl.

16. This sucks. Oh! That gives me an idea.

17. Emergency blow job. Activate.

18. I should feel you swelling up any minute now.

19. Annnnyyyy minuteeee.

20. Wow, it’s amazing how much easier it is to give someone head if they have a small penis. I could do this until the end of time without getting tired.

21. Look, babe! No hands!

22. Okay, that’s not funny. We have a job to do here, and it’s beginning to seem like Operation Erection is Mission Impossible.

23. A flaccid penis can really remind a girl that she’s got someone’s fleshy body part in her mouth. This is gross.

24. I give up.

25. Why? Why couldn’t I make this happen for you? I don’t really believe in this “whiskey dick” concept. Seems like a hoax. To get out of banging fat chicks.

26. Am I a fat chick?!?!?!

27. Do you not think I’m pretty? Can you tell I gained three and a half pounds? Are you not attracted to me any more? Should I ask him that?

28. “Do you not think I’m pretty? Can you tell I gained three and a half pounds? Are you not attracted to me any more? Are you not attracted to me any more?”

29. Should not have asked him that. Tonight was a thorough disappointment. Don’t call me.

***

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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