If I’m being completely honest, I don’t totally get people who are addicted to cocaine. Sure, it apparently makes you feel awesome and like you can go for hours, but you know what else can do that? Attention. And that’s basically free.
Nothing is nearly as addictive as knowing that someone is basking the glow of your existence, absolutely mesmerized by your jokes, smile and kind-of-endearing-but-mostly-concerning stories of being a shit show. But sometimes addictions go too far, even when they are to just being the life of party. Use this helpful guide to figure out if you’re attention-seeking ways have gone to far, or if you’re just that much more interesting than everyone else.
- You’ve faked an injury.
This is clearly child’s play.
- You’ve purposefully sustained an injury.
Yeah, I probably could have rolled out of the bike fall unscathed, but nobody wants to listen to the tales of a QUITTER.
- You have some obscure medical condition.
It’s not fucking fake, Gina, it just so happens that all flair-ups have coincided with your relationship milestones.
- You’ve sent pledges to scout out parties to make sure there is adequate bar top dancing space.
Bonus point if they are not your pledges.
- You’ve keep a folding table in your trunk, just in case the party doesn’t have an unused bar top.
This is just careful planning.
- You see nothing wrong with stringing along three different guys.
I maximized my options during rush, why stop now?
- But if a guy were to ever to blow you off for another girl…
I will stage an extremely public, shockingly well-attended throwdown.
- You have odd tattoos or piercings that you constantly bring up.
Speaking of tattoos, have I ever told you the story of my ass tat? It’s sooo crazy.
- You will gladly talk over someone’s boring ass story about their “service work” helping “orphans.”
I’ll give a fuck about these “orphans” about the same time I stop talking about myself.
- Or one-up them, because you’ve done better (or are a better liar).
Oh, you helped build an orphanage in Honduras? That’s so nice, I built one too, when I spent that summer helping construct trade opportunities among farmers in rural Brazil. The orphanage was kind of a weekend project, though.
- You’ve mastered the art of the humblebrag.
Your ombré looks amazing. I always wanted to do something like that, but stylist says my hair color is just way too delicate from constantly being played with to taint with those harsh chemicals.
- You’ll do literally anything for a story.
I don’t care if triple bonging will definitely cause me to be hospitalized – everyone wants to see me do it!
- You’ve gotten dressed up, taken pics, then immediately gone home.
Yes, I “went to a nice a dinner” if “went” means taking pictures in front of a restaurant sign and “nice dinner” means eating Wendy’s in your underwear.
- You consider a new haircut a reason to post 10+ selfies.
How else would my friends see it? IRL?! Please, this isn’t the stone age.
- You adopted a puppy because everyone loves someone with a puppy.
It has backfired. People really just love that fucking puppy.
- You’d never be in the same room as a baby for extended periods of time.
Everyone pretends babies are so great, when all they can actually do is shit themselves and cry. Anyone can do that! I could do that!!!! Why is it never enough when I do that?!
- You went through recruitment because you knew it would mean quadruple digit Insta likes.
No shame in maintaining your numbers. It’s a cold world out there.
- You use Instagram to promote your “brand.”
Landing on the worldwide discover page is my primary goal.
- You genuinely think your life should be a reality show.
The Kardashians went BOWLING. Don’t tell me I can’t top that.
- You celebrate a birthday month.
I don’t care what my license says, it’s my birthday if I’m wearing the birthday crown, bitch.
- You choose to ignore the fact that other people were born the same day as you.
We technically share a birthday, in the same way that I technically missed my period three months in a row. It doesn’t mean anything!
- You’ve worn some kind of exposed lingerie to a wedding.
Don’t blame me that the bride decided to wear a floor-length cap-sleeved ball gown. I could top that in a potato sack.
- Or to a funeral.
I don’t know why people pretend a dead person is more interesting than I am.
- You casually rehearse stories you’re going to tell in the shower.
I just want to make sure it goes off without a hitch, alright?!
- You tell your boyfriend you’ll try ~that thing~ every time he starts to play video games.
That’s right, baby, I’ll let you eat tortilla chips in bed and ignore the crumbs littering my 800 thread count sheets.
- You immediately “fall asleep” after he’s done going down on you.
I just wanna get the right kind of attention, ya feel?
- You considered sleeping with your professor.
You didn’t need to, obviously, but if Gina can do it, so can you!
- You’ve considered starting a drug smuggling ring out of your sorority house, eventually getting caught, going on the lamb for six months, finding some kind of spirituality, writing a book about how the pressures of millennial life caused you to snap, all so that it will be made into a Lifetime Original Movie starring you.
Ya know, just ~girly~ things.
Who cares if you’re an attention whore? Now, crack open a bottle of white wine and call your friends to come discuss this new development. After all, what else could they have to do?.