Penis. Schlong. Dick. Pork sword. The male genitals are a source of great confusion, mystery, and intrigue. Like a unicorn, or deformed deer, the trouser snake has been and continues to be one of the most talked about, coveted, and joked about things in a college girl’s life. As a voice of today’s generation, I took it upon myself to search long and hard (LOL) to find the most interesting, disturbing, fascinating, need-to-know, and wish-you-didn’t-know facts about the male reproductive organ, because America.
- A teaspoon of semen only has seven calories.
But let’s be real, it technically has zero since you’ll either spit it out, throw it up, or avoid it altogether.
- But if you do swallow, just know that red meat, dairy, and asparagus cause the worst tasting salty spray.
Then it really, really sucks to suck.
- The word “penis” comes from the Latin word meaning “tail.”
Just in case guys didn’t weird you out enough, it turns out they have tails. Kind of makes sense.
- Only one man in 400 is flexible enough to give himself a blowie.
But 100 percent of men have tried.
- The average penis size is about the length of a dollar bill.
But if you’re in a situation where you’re handling both a penis and money at the same time, you might want to reevaluate a few things.
- A guy has about eleven erections a day.
Which explains, well, everything.
- And about nine of those happen at night.
Which is why something is ALWAYS poking you in your sleep.
- Men actually need to ejaculate to remain “healthy.”
A fact that will obviously be used against us every time we aren’t in the mood.
- According to every guy everywhere, the underside of the penis head is the most sensitive spot.
This information could really “come in handy.” (*Writer’s note: Can’t stop, won’t stop with the penis puns.)
- There are at least forty-two different types of bacteria that live on the pork sword.
No bath, no ass, guys. For real.
- Only five percent of men wear condoms during sex.
And almost zero percent of them are in fraternities (made that last bit up, but it sounds about right).
- Graham crackers were originally developed to curb masturbation because they thought eating would take blood away from the penis. You know, science.
It’s delicious, and it makes no sense — I’ll take it.
- The penis stops growing once a guy is in his early twenties.
This is as good as it’s going to get for the guys we like. May the size odds be ever in your favor.
- Only six percent of the world’s male population need extra large condoms.
Your gold wrapper isn’t fooling anyone.
- “Blue balls” is actually a thing.
But nothing a little rub and tug (or aspirin) can’t take care of. So calm down guys. You aren’t fucking dying.
- You literally can’t tell how big it will be when it’s flaccid.
That grower could have a lot of potential. Don’t judge a penis before it’s erect ladies. That’s just common courtesy.
- The male orgasm lasts about six seconds, whereas the female orgasm lasts about twenty-three seconds.
Not trying to brag or anything…
- There’s a fish with a penis on it’s head called the Phallostethus Cuulong.
None of the other fish will let it sit with them. #AndNoneForPhallostethusCuulongBye
- Dicks take on the shape of a boomerang when doing the ol’ missionary position.
Because it always comes back…get it?
- The penis can actually shrink if it isn’t used enough.
This sounds like something a guy would make up. Fact check?
- Jizz squirts out of the body at about twenty-eight miles per hour.
Because yes, someone actually decided to calculate that.
- And the record for the furthest ejaculation is eighteen feet.
This is a known fact because guys are completely disgusting.
- Scientists speculate that the head of the penis is shaped like a mushroom to “scoop rival males’ sperm out of the vagina.”
Just in case you didn’t feel like enough of a whore already.
- You can “break” a penis by twisting it violently while it’s erect.
Just an FYI for you and your ex-boyfriend.
- Men don’t need a brain to ejaculate (because the order comes from the spinal cord).
Which makes sense because most guys seem to be missing a lot of brain functions.
- The biggest human penis is 13.5 inches long.
Which proves that there can be way, way too much of a good thing.
- Ejaculation doesn’t always mean orgasm.
Because things weren’t confusing enough already.
- Sex lasts about seven minutes on average.
And despite what people say, very few couples actually want to go all night. There are more important things, like Netflix.
- Jizz contains oxytocin, which elevates your mood and makes you less bitchy.
Basically, semen contains antidepressants. Antidepressants make you happy. Happy people don’t just act like bitches. They just don’t..
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