28 Signs You’re Turning Into a Female Bro

Female Bro

Some people just plain don’t fit in with gender norms. I mean, come on, it’s the 21st century–people can do whatever the hell they want without much judgment. Guys nowadays spend Saturdays binge-watching “House Hunters International” and make appointments to get their eyebrows waxed, while some girls love kicking back on the couch, swigging beer, and watching football while belching and scratching their genitals. We call that breed of girl the “female bro,” and watching her operate is a thing of beauty. She doesn’t quite fit in with most girls, and she doesn’t really enjoy hanging out with massive groups of girls who do things like gossip, craft, and Pinterest. She can drink most guys under the table, has strong opinions on whether the Giants are going to cover the spread against the Texans, and has a very cavalier attitude about sex. She’s not a slut, though, oh no; she makes most GUYS feel like sluts, kicking them out of her bedroom with a firm, open-palmed slap on the behind and a “great job, slugger.” If any of these signs sound like you, congratulations–you might be turning into a female bro.

  1. You opted to watch Sunday Night Football rather than Miss America last weekend.
  2. You’ve been known to troll Pinterest for great recipes to make, only to consume by yourself later.
  3. You have a bookie, or you act as one for others.
  4. You have a collection of snapbacks and Air Jordans that would rival that of most college athletes.
  5. You actually keep notches in your OWN bedpost.
  6. “Thong or boy shorts?” Whatever’s clean, dude.
  7. You’ve adopted a “no first names” policy in the bedroom. Let’s keep things professional.
  8. When a guy invites you over to “watch a movie,” you bring the five-disc “Die Hard” Blu-ray set.
  9. You subsequently spend most of the movie screaming, “YIPPEE KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER!” at the screen.
  10. At any given time, you’re carrying more condoms than a mid-sized university’s health center.
  11. In fact, you occasionally lend them condoms.
  12. You’ve been known to put a dip in after sex. And no, you never share your Skoal with sexual conquests.
  13. You haven’t crossed your legs while sitting since you had to sit “pretzel style” in Kindergarten.
  14. You’ve won your fantasy football league three years running, and you go on massive, hate-fueled tirades every time you win.
  15. You scare off most guys on Tinder by asking for nudes as a conversation starter.
  16. You’re more comfortable naked than clothed, and have been known to start stripping down no matter what situation you’re in.
  17. You’ve been banned from at least one bar for starting a fight during a football game.
  18. Depending on how well your March Madness bracket does, you’re either making it rain like Flo Rida or you’re more broke than MC Hammer.
  19. Iggy Azalea is your spirit animal, but you’d never utter the words “spirit animal” out loud.
  20. You’re not a drug dealer per se, but you definitely “know some people.”
  21. Friends of both sexes know better than to come to you for comfort after a breakup, because you will unabashedly try to sleep with them on the rebound.
  22. You’ve asked the university repeatedly if you can pledge a fraternity.
  23. You’ve given your hoo-hah a name, and it might even be a man’s name.
  24. Your weekends are always booked by your male friends asking you to wingman for them.
  25. You’ve alluded multiple times to the fact that you’ve spent at least one night in a Mexican prison.
  26. You’re the one who sends “U up?” texts to dudes.
  27. Your “little black book” is deeper than an NFL team’s roster.
  28. No matter who you’re dating, your boys will always come first, because if the guy treats you badly, they’re the people who will kick his ass like the surrogate big brothers they are.

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New York's Hottest Club is wherever I am. Haters to the front, hunky Sailors to the back. Bow down betches. Follow this bitch on Twitter @StefonTSM

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