27 Things You REALLY Need To Know About Getting Yourself Off


Let me tell ya ’bout the birds and the bees
And the flowers and the trees
And sexual relations
And a thing called masturbation

You know, choking the chicken? Double clicking your mouse? Spanking the monkey? Flicking the bean? Getting yourself off like the horny asshole that you are. Whatever you want to call it, we all have to agree, masturbating is awesome. Sure, old-fashioned sex is fine, but when it comes down to it, self pleasure is where it’s at. Where the orgasms are at, anyway. You get to relax by yourself, avoid putting things in your mouth that you’d rather just – not, and when it’s all over you can eat some pizza in bed and pass the fuck out. Alone. It’s like God’s little gift to sexual deviants, and we are ever so thankful.

  1. Masturbation comes from two Latin words: manus meaning hand and turbatio meaning agitation or excitement.
    My hand is getting excited just thinking about it.
  2. It has a heap-ton of benefits like stress management, healthier pelvic muscles, secretion of endorphins, and strong hands.
    JK on the strong hands but let’s be real, it’s sort of true.
  3. Plus it’s an easy form of cardiovascular exercise.
    Skip the gym and grab a towel. It’s going to be a wet workout. 
  4. Forty-four percent of undergraduate students masturbate about five times per month.
    Which is like once-ish a week. Can you say “Masturbation Monday?”
  5. And 98 percent of undergraduate students said they masturbated about twelve times a month.
    Three times a week? More like three times an hour.
  6. According to legend, jerking it too frequently can cause blindness, insanity, hairy palms, and stunted growth.
    LIES. It’s all LIES. But even if it wasn’t? #worthit
  7. Masturbating is one of the most effective ways to relieve cramps.
    Because nothing makes you feel horny like bleeding out of your vagina.
  8. Men sometimes have a memory bias against masturbation and they don’t remember the last time they committed the act.
    It must be the same memory lapse that makes them forget birthdays, anniversaries, our name in bed, and the fact that they are not actually a part of their favorite football team (sorry boys).
  9. Ninety-four percent of men admit to masturbating.
    And the other six percent were too busy jerking it to participate in the study.
  10. Eighty-five percent of women help themselves to the occasional orgasm.
    And what the hell are the other 15 percent doing? Hating life? Being miserable? Relying on actual sex to get off? Bless your hearts.
  11. People who have sex regularly masturbate more than those who don’t.
    Couples who touch themselves while being together, stay together… or something.
  12. Masturbation lowers the risk of type-two diabetes, lowers the risk of prostate cancer, reduces depressions, and prevents cervical infections in women.
    A jerk-off a day keeps the doctor away!
  13. Chemically, it also puts you right to sleep.
    Good night… sleep tight… go to sleep little genitals (and no, I don’t mean little as in “little.” Your penis is fine guys. Calm down).
  14. In seventeenth century Connecticut, masturbators were eligible for the death penalty.
    This is why we can’t have nice things, Connecticut.
  15. Orgasms from masturbation can strengthen your immune system.
    It’s like Emergen‑C for your naughty parts.
  16. In the nineteenth century, vibrators were only used by physicians, and served the sole medical purpose of curing hysteria – which basically meant that you were a “difficult woman.”
    Getting off for being a bitch? Sounds like my kind of treatment.
  17. The Kama Sutra included instructions for masturbating: “Churn your instrument with a lion’s pounce: sit with legs stretched out at right angles to one another, propping yourself up with two hands planted on the ground between in them, and it between your arms.”
    Using upper body strength while getting off? Sounds exhausting.  
  18. Fifty-three percent of women use toys when masturbating.
    We get by with a little help from our vibrators.
  19. Masturbators have better relationships than non-masturbators.
    Who needs therapy when you have genitals and a raging libido? 
  20. More than 41 percent of people have been accidentally caught touching themselves.
    “Wait… no! Mom don’t come in! I had an itch. I HAD AN ITCH!”
  21. Mutually masturbating with a partner is one of the few sex acts that runs no risk of STD transmission or pregnancy.
    But it’s like, if you’re going to jerk someone else off, you might as well put it in.
  22. Gary Kremen registered the first porn site in 1994 called
    And thus began a world of threesomes, money shots, and unrealistic expectations in the bedroom. Thanks a lot, Gary.
  23. In Japan, it’s illegal to make sex toys that resemble a penis. Hence, “the rabbit.”
    Because fucking a robot rabbit is much more normal than fucking a robot penis. Smart move, Japan.
  24. There are absolutely no health risks to masturbation.
    But there are health risks in NOT masturbating. Do it for your health.
  25. Self-congratulating can improve sperm quality in men with fertility problems.
    So go ahead, boys, stoke that ego after stroking that dick.
  26. Seventy percent of people in relationships admit to masturbating.
    And the other 30 percent are miserable SOBs.
  27. During the Victorian age, many doctors believed masturbation was a disease — and to stop themselves, they would wear a Jugum Penis.
    And it is, without a doubt the most horrific thing you have ever seen.

    I am so, so sorry.

[via MTV News,, Medical Daily]

Image via Youtube

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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