27 Signs You’re The Standards Chair


1. Everyone hates you. Seriously. You’re more disliked than the President of your chapter…and of America.

2. No one is ever happy to see you. Except when you get drunk. Bitches love that. They also take a lot of photos of it. Watch your back, Hitler.

3. You’ve said things like “Please don’t put pictures of underage drinking on Facebook.”

4. And “It is actually possible to get drunk without ending up in the hospital.”

5. And my personal favorite, “While it’s awesome that you have the same drug dealer as the Olson twins, please don’t tweet about it.”

6. That monogrammed Tervis Tumbler that accompanies you to meetings? It’s filled with vodka. Straight vodka.

7. All of your emails end with “Please don’t hate me.”

8. The Dean knows you by name.

9. As does your Nationals President.

10. As does the liquor store clerk.

11. You threaten to disaffiliate every other day.

12. The younger girls live in fear of you and the older girls want to murder you.

13. You pretty much cry every day.

14. The stress of your position caused you to blackout at formal. As a result, your alumnae now have to chaperone all of your sisterhood events.

15. You had to have a lock installed for your room at the house, along with a sign on the door listing acceptable visiting hours.

16. Standards Chair isn’t even the position that you wanted.

17. You know everything about everyone and yet you can’t tell a damn soul. Fuck confidentiality.

18. Everyone’s a dumb whore.

19. You’ve bailed someone out of jail.

20. You’ve also picked someone up from the hospital.

21. Whenever you see a “WE SHOULD TOTALLY JUST STAB CAESAR” tweet, you know they’re really talking about you.

22. You’re doing more harm than good.

23. A pledge drunkenly called you a Nazi and you threatened to kill her. You got a call from Nationals for that one.

24. You drunk dialed your advisor last Thursday night.

25. Your advisor now hates you.

26. Vodka is your only friend.

27. You are the biggest hypocrite on the planet.


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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email:

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