It makes you feel like you’re in a Ke$ha video.
You don’t have to wait for a midnight text to make your appearance.
Like Simba, everything the (strobe) light touches is yours.
All the bouncers and bartenders know you intimately, which makes you feel like a local celebrity.
It has the best raised surfaces.
The photo booth has seen more action than a Kim Kardashian home movie, but it will never tell a soul.
There’s no such thing as bad timing, whether it’s happy hour or last call.
If you’re experiencing feelings (the worst communicable disease of all), there’s always a boy–or a bartender–to buy you condolence shots.
The entire place is a fire hazard, but that just makes it more exciting because you love living dangerously.
It’s like a live action version of Tinder, without all the shirtless mirror selfies.
Even when you stray, it’s faithful.
Calories don’t count when you can’t remember them, whether it’s Crown Russe or cheese fries.
You’re sure to see your sisters, even if it’s in compromising positions.
You might not know what it looks like in daylight, or while sober, but you do know it’s better that way.
“Wagon Wheel” is guaranteed to play at least twice.
The drink specials are so cheap that your dad won’t notice them on his credit card bill.
There’s always a gentleman caller available for a dance–or better yet, a DFMO.
There’s no judgment, because everyone there has seen far worse.
Your bar will never say, “Go home you’re drunk,” unless you’re attempting a puke and rally, in which case, it’s time.
It provides the perfect location to duck face and booty pop without shame.
It’s fine with the fact that you semi-regularly participate in hookups that may or may not be legal in a public place.
You can plan your outfits weeks in advance, because it will never cancel on you.
It keeps your secrets. If those walls (or booths, or bathroom stalls) could talk…
Your lineage automatically approves, even when certain members shouldn’t
technically be allowed inside. It’s always there for you, even when your favorite boy isn’t.
It has the magical ability to make all of your bad decisions seem so good at the time.
It might steal your phone, wallet, heels, and ID, but you’ll always have your dignity. And if you don’t, you can pick it up the bar, right where you left it.
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