He asks for a threesome, says “just kidding,” and hands you a four-carat engagement ring.
He tells you that he’s not a fan of blow jobs, and so, naturally, you orgasm on the spot.
Oh, and speaking of orgasms, he actually knows how to give them.
With his tongue AND his penis.
His beautiful, clean, just-the-right-size, always manicured penis.
He magically turns into a Hemsworth and only exists in your presence.
And then, you know, fucks you.
And yes, there’s post-sex pizza.
And pre-sex pizza.
And mid-sex pizza.
Basically pizza is there every step of the way, and it’s glorious.
Foreplay happens. Like a whole ten minutes of it. At least.
And he cuddles the shit out of you after he makes you orgasm. Five times. If not more.
Porn? Yeah he throws that shit on while you two bang. And yes, by porn, I mean
The Notebook. And by “bang” I mean he big spoons all up on you while you ugly cry and quote every line from the movie.
He lets you dominate him, and as soon as he’s all tied up you delete his Snapchat account. Whoops!
Orgasms? You have one of those every time you eat red velvet cupcakes.
And red velvet cupcakes are now healthy. #YourFantasyYourRules
You know that kinky thing that you’ve always wanted to try but you’re kind of afraid to ask for? He read your mind and knows EXACTLY what you want.
Hair pulling, spanking, and pretending to be Christian Grey in a non-creepy way? Done and done.
You magically lose three pounds whenever you have sex.
Every time you watch
Gossip Girl Chuck Bass comes out of the screen to have a little “back of the limo” romp with you. Same goes for anything with Zac Efron.
The phrase “call me daddy” no longer exists in the English language.
Hungover sex? More like hungover brunch on him while you talk about the amazing sex you had last night and where this relationship is going.
He feeds you chocolate while simultaneously going down on you and deleting every girl from Instagram.
He hands you a Starbs, a burrito bowl, and a vibrator and accepts defeat.
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