“You know, I was your age once too..” is every stereotypical suburban minivan driving mom’s best pickup line when it comes to attempting to guilt trip their kid into confessing their deepest darkest secrets. Although your mom might say she’s “like totally cool” with you drinking in the house and might nonchallantly leave a box of condoms in your dresser drawer when you bring your boyfriend home from school for the first time, don’t be fooled.
Your mom is your parent and most likely couldn’t play a role in “Mean Girls.” She was born in, like, the dinosaur ages, has temporarily sacrificed her sex life to birth you, and probably gets hungover after drinking two glasses of wine. That being said, there are just a few things you should avoid telling mother dearest, because I promise, she will never understand.
- Why you get back together with your asshole ex-boyfriend,
“I swear, I’m so done with him.” *goes back to him seventeen times*
- Why you need six fake IDs.
If one gets taken up, duh.
- What it means to be “a thing.”
No, mom. We are NOT ~together,~ we’re just like, a thing.
- Why you are basically obligated to consume 2,000+ calories at 2 a.m. after drinking.
If you didn’t drunkenly binge eat Whataburger did you even go out..?
- Why you constantly refresh your Instagram picture like count.
I am shallow and base my self-worth largely on how many people I don’t know like my pics (read: think I’m hot).
- How or why you feel the need to go 72 hours without sleeping to study.
Why study the entire semester when you can learn four months of shit two days before the final?
- Why you would want to wake up at 6:45 a.m. to drink.
“So with fraternities, we do this super fun thing where we go out on a barge at 7 a.m. and get drunk as fuck.”
- Why you follow Kanye West on Twitter.
Just to be in on the drama. Duh.
- “Game of Thrones.”
It’s the best show on television, and yes, I enjoy watching people in fur capes have sex.
- Why you text your frat boy hookup about buttstuff.
Because we’re, like, a ~thing.~
- The meaning of the term “hookup.”
For the millionth time, if I say we’re hooking up it doesn’t mean we are getting coffee.
- Or that a “pussy” isn’t just an uncomfortable term for a cat.
Because apparently shaking your ass is the new equivalent to animals making mating calls.
- Why you hate phone calls.
Please just text me.
- ..and voicemails.
I literally have never checked my voicemail.
- How you can possibly spend 7+ hours in bed binge watching a TV show.
Sometimes you just can’t even with life.
- Why the fuck no one can find Molly.
One time I told my mom that Molly is just a super great brand of breath mints and she should ask everyone if they have it
- The art of the perfect selfie.
You take twenty just to post one.
- The concept of Tinder.
So basically you just meet random people and have sex with them. No, not me. Definitely not me…
- That Adderall isn’t even that bad of a drug.
It’s a college student’s necessity.
- Why you wait until you’re out of underwear to do laundry.
I like to call it efficiency.
- Why you don’t like wearing pads.
It’s like a diaper. Ew.
- Why you WANT to gain weight in your ass.
*Insert peach emoji*
- Anything and everything about the Kardashians.
Are they spoiled and bitchy? Yes. Do I want to be them? Also yes.
- That having your Instagram account on “public” won’t get you kidnapped and killed.
The follower struggle ratio is a real thing.
- That you would pay money for more followers. You haven’t, but you would.
Sorry, mom. .