1. How to take no fewer than 15 completely sober pictures before formal to show your mother when she asks how it went.
2. How to strategically plan the days you’ll be skipping class so they perfectly coincide with the days when you’ll be most hungover.
3. How to put off every single assignment until the last minute and still get a passing grade.
4. How to lose your dignity, your sanity, and your cell phone, but not your credit card at the bar.
5. How to strike your signature pose at a second’s notice, because you know exactly which angles are profile picture worthy.
6. How to coerce the pledge class bitch into bringing you food at the library when you’re studying for finals.
7. How to give the appropriate amount of bitchface when the situation calls for it.
8. How to keep your bar tab under $15.00 without sacrificing a blackout in the process. The bartender loves you.
9. How to get a pledge from at least three fraternities to sober drive you anywhere, any time, and faster than the actual brothers would do it.
10. How to create the perfect costume for any themed party within a matter of two hours.
11. How to hold your drink with one hand and text with the other.
12. How to convince him you’re asleep in the morning when he wants to go for round two, but you’re over it.
13. How to use passive aggression to win a bitch fight without ever fighting.
14. How to decorate a cooler instead of doing a presentation.
15. How to make your hair look like you’ve just washed it, even though there’s no way you’ve shampooed in the past three days.
16. How to acquire lecture notes from every single one of your classes even though you only attended a limited number of times.
17. How to reach your ex when you’re hammered, despite your best sober efforts. (Hint: He’s the one saved as “NO NO NO NO NO.”)
18. How to act as if last night never happened, even when last night approaches you on campus the next day. Who are you again?
19. How to omit the “into a bowl of vodka” part when convincing your parents to buy you a new phone because you “dropped” yours.
20. How to delegate the work in a group presentation so all you’ve done is essentially boss your way into an A.
21. How to convince your doctor you actually need a prescription for Adderral.
22. How to justify your online shopping when it comes up on your credit card statement every month. Amazon sells books too, Dad! And I promise, that MAC product was totally a computer-related purchase, not makeup.
23. How to avoid the gym all semester, yet somehow still manage to look smoking hot come spring break.
24. How to talk to your parents frequently enough that they’ll continue to give you money, but infrequently enough that they still think you have your shit together.
25. How to balance spending most of your time ignoring all responsibilities in favor of having the time of your life with your best friends, but participating in a high enough degree of academics to graduate in four years.